The Top Ten Motorcycling Icons
10. Che Guevara…
At the bottom of the list and should really be stuck behind Schwarzenegger and Mikey from American Chopper in the mid thirties. Simple Argentine farm boy Guevara rode his clapped out wankel engined three wheeler around his Dad’s farm rounding up his father's herd of heifers when it was time for milking. He documented his life by writing in a notebook about his mundane time as a cow herder. ‘The Motorcycle Dairies' didn’t make very compelling reading however, so Che decided to be rather economical with the truth and alter the title. The rest as they say is history.
9. Steve McQueen…
What’s this pretender doing in the ‘Ten’ you may ask? Evil Kneivel and Eddie Kidd jumped Canyons, Lorries and Double Decker Buses with no thought for their own safety whilst McQueen failed to jump a 4 foot barbed wire fence and was subsequently caught by the Gestapo. You’re right of course however McQueen gets in purely because he loved his motorbikes more than the glamorous young Hollywood women that he dated. In recently leaked legal documents relating to his divorce from Ali Macgraw she cites ‘A Triumph Bonneville’ as McQueen's 'love interest’ McQueen’s lawyers didn’t contest this allegation on the basis that poor Steve got to keep his collection of Motorcycles and Helmets. Meanwhile, Macgraw was granted the divorce and subsequently buggered off with the couples other form of transport a black Artic Lorry which was later seen being driven off a rickety bridge (much to McQueen’s disgust) by Kris ‘Rubber Duck’ Kristofferson in the 1978 film 'Convoy'.
8. Henry Winkler…
Every Day was a Happy Day if you were Arthur Fonzarelli. Let’s look at the evidence…
His Office was a Bog which meant that he could take a crap whilst sat at his desk.
He pulled women like a Christmas Novelty Products Tester pulls Crackers.
He ate Burgers ‘n Fries at Arnolds everyday of the bloody week and didn’t put on a pound.
He rode a Triumph.
The only downside for TV’s Mr. Cool was that he could turn things on purely with a swift strike of his right fist which made him an icon for wife batterers everywhere.
7. Peter Fonda…
Easy Rider? Easy Bloody Rider? How the hell he managed to ride his Chopper with Nicholson on the back and his fuel tank stuffed with Phil Spector’s cash is anyone’s guess. The films success provoked Fonda to release a few sequels which were all box office flops. These included ‘Easy Peasy Rider’ where Hopper and Fonda ride no handed throughout the film, ‘Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Rider’ where the 3 stars have to get home for Shrove Tuesday and ‘Easy Peasy Japaneezee Rider’ where Pat Morita (he of 'The Karate Kid' fame) shows them the best way to apply wax to their grubby bikes.
6. Wallace and Gromit…
The ‘Tens’ only double act, they get in due to the fact that they both live their biking lives on the ragged edge. Wallace favours thin dungarees and an open faced lid with the chin strap loosely wrapped around his chin whilst Gromit prefers Birthday Suit and German Lutwaffe issue headgear. All of the aforementioned wouldn’t be too bad however it doesn’t really matter how much protection you wear when you’re made out of Plasticene and any type of accident could see you being turned into a piece of Blu-Tac and being used to keep a ‘Powerpuff Girls’ poster on the wall of a 6 year olds’ bedroom.
5. Eddie Kidd…
Spent more time on his ass than on his bike mainly due to his penchant for advertising Levis Jeans and Sunsilk Hair Products. The glitz and glamour of commercial TV was more of a pull for young Eddie than jumping Buses and he let his promising biking career take a back (or should it be pillion) seat while he took acting lessons at the Horace Golightly Acting School for the incompetent and untalented. Unfortunately for Ed it soon became apparent that he had been acting (well, appearing!) on TV without an Equity Card and once the Trade Union got wind of his heinous crime they sent a hit man to take the young daredevil out. Consequently Eddie was forced to fake his own death by jumping a gorge without a safety net during the Spring of 1996. He was buried in private grounds in a grave that measured the length of 14 double decker buses which was coincidentally the length of his record breaking jump in 1978.
4. Air Raid Warden Hodges…
With his motorbike and Sidecar actor Bill Pertwee slowly pootled around the town of Walmington-on-Sea with one hand on the throttle and one on his whistle. The original Born Again Biker Pertwee only undertook his Direct Access Exam 2 weeks prior to filming when Pompous upstart Captain Mainwaring called to offer him the part. Unfortunately Pertwee failed his DAS and instead of being given a Fireblade to blat around the A Roads of the quaint seaside town he was given a motorbike and sidecar with the engine replaced with pedals and gearing from a Raleigh Chopper by the BBC Special Effects Department. Pertwee meanwhile persevered with his lesons and finally passed his test just in time for the release of the 'Dads Army 40 year memorial DVD Box Set'. The 86 year old can be seen in the sleeve notes getting his artificial hip down whilst riding his Hayabusa.
3. Ewan McGregor…
Of course, the condescending little Scottish Git can sit there waffling as much as he likes about ‘Choosing Life' when his particular living consists of riding around the World for 3 months on a free bike wearing complimentary gear, making a fortune out of a best selling DVD documenting his travels and then playing with his very own light sabre and shagging Nicole Kidman! Choose Life Ewan? Yeah alright Pal, I’ll swap my life as a local Government Officer for yours and we’ll see how we get on shall we?
Tosser.
2. Evil Knievel…
What were Anne and Bob Knievel thinking?! Let’s be honest here, bestowing a moniker on their son as bizarre as Evil was hardly likely to set him up for a vocation as a Welder or an Accountant. Even Evil’s discarded middle name Harvey wasn’t sufficient enough to stop the leather clad mentalist pursuing a career as a Maniacal Imbecile. From the ill fated Fountain Jump at Caesars Palace where Evil had initially wanted to jump the Sherbert variety as opposed to the real things to the Canyon jump on his ‘Rocket Bike’ that ended before it really began as the scaredy cat deployed the parachute on take off, Evil was never happier than when he was wearing the stars and stripes and breaking bones. After another failed jump at Wembley Stadium he was roundly criticised by the English National Press and was christened with the moniker ‘Reg Varney' as it was alleged that he spent more time ‘On the Buses’ than the TV Actor.
1. Marlon Brando…
The original Wild One, married together what’s now more commonly known as the ‘Bikers Hatrick’ – Bike, Fag and Leather Jacket. Brando was also at the forefront of Biking Road Safety championing the pursuit of motorcycling way before Henry Winkler slung his leg over a Triumph, pointed to the pillion seat and told Potsy to 'sit on it'. James Dean did it on four wheels, Brando did it on two. One lived ‘til he was eighty the other wrapped his 1955 Porsche Spyder around an oncoming vehicle at the tender age of 24 - You do the Maths.