The Top Ten Nine Low Brow Chat Shows
9. Kilroy…
Boring Snoring Middle Class Snowy Haired Kilroy was never gonna win the fans over with his brand of effusive pomposity and affected arrogance. This condescending attitude caused guests to reject his haughtiness in favour of Vanessa Feltz on ITV – that says it all really.
8. Ricki Lake…
If Big Bird is the King then Lake surely is the Queen of Fat Chicks. Got her first big break starring alongside Divine in the John Waters film ‘Hairspray’. Divine went on to eat Dog Poo in the movie ‘Pink Flamingos’, Lake went on to host her own chat show regularly playing host to overweight working class lasses who claim with frequent monotony to be ‘All That’.
The jury's still out on who had the most successful career.
7. Maury Povich…
Uncle Maury - Hasn’t got a bad bone in his body and is voted by Chat show aficionado’s as the person they’d most like to share a tear filled cuddle with after admitting to fantasizing about ‘doing’ their neighbours Granny. Never gets aggressive and has perfected the ‘kneel down and look up into the eyes of the nutter’ technique so well that during a recent marriage proposal his now fiancée admitted that she used to be a bloke.
6. Oprah Winfrey…
Earns more money per visitor than all of the people in the TEN put together and commands an all star guest list that’s included Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, Bill Clinton, Madonna and Willis from Diff’rent Strokes. This sort of clientele and bulging bank balance hasn’t stopped her blinkered fans from branding her ‘The Hostess with the Common Touch’ and in an attempt to confirm this façade Winfrey regularly polishes off Bags of Dunkin’ Donuts and Whopper Meals with her audience prior to going on air. Unfortunately this diet has come at a cost to her weight although ever the entrepreneur Winfrey has landed a part in the upcoming Tom and Jerry movie playing the slipper clad feet and chubby calves of the cleaner of the household.
5. Montel Williams…
Baldy Montell started his show in a broom cupboard in the heart of the ABC Offices and rose to fame using his quick wit and sharp mind educating America’s Divorcee community. Unfortunately viewing figures are such that now nine times out of ten his guests outnumber the audience and the return to the Broom Closet is so imminent that Penry the Mild Mannered Janitor has been told to move out.
4. Trisha…
Continually talks about her team as if she’s the manager of a Premiership Club…
How do you think the show went today Trish?
Well our Social worker did fantastic coping with the dribbling alcoholic father and our addictions team had the crack addict from Hull in their pocket all game. I’m disappointed with Camera fives performance as he missed out on some great opportunities to get some blubbering snot close ups when the teenage mother broke down though.
And how do you feel about being relegated to Nationwide Conference Channel Five Ms. Goddard? Do you think it says a lot about the quality of your Show?
We’ll see what happens when the viewing figures come out, I’d love it, LOVE IT if we beat Jeremy Kyle.
3. Sally Jessy Raphael…
The original inspiration for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not only does she look like the wise Rodent Master Splinter she possesses the same worldly wide knowledge which she has put to good use by saving many American Mid West men from shagging their Sister. Her disappointment at her nomenclature not being utilised as character names in TMNT can regularly be seen etched on her face, and her outburst during the now infamous ‘I married my tortoise – how do I consumate our relationship?’ episode confirmed her frustrations.
2. Jeremy Kyle…
The King of Council Estates. This former Ice Cream Salesman saw a niche market and cornered it. Prior to sitting on the steps of his own studio and asking 15 year old kids if they’ve ever heard of contraception Jezza sold Mr. Whippy products from his wagon in Handsworth and gobbed in the 99’s of the flake hungry low life. Now a polished presenter the linguistic ghost of his previous employment still regularly creeps into his show. Here are a couple of examples…
The ‘Am I a mentalist Jeremy?’ episode – Called a guest a ‘Screwball’.
The ‘Granny Makeover’ episode – told a made over 78 year old that she looked ‘Fab’.
The ‘I’m afraid to go out in Public’ episode – Told an acne riddled teen guest that his face looked like it had ‘hundred and thousands’ sprinkled on it.
The ‘I’m afraid to walk down the High Street Jeremy’ episode – he continued to use the phrase ‘Funny Feet’.
The ‘Wind Instruments Phobia’ episode – Used the word ‘cornet’ which prompted guests to panic causing a 100 grands worth of damage to the studio.
1. Jerry Springer…
Former Cincinnati Mayor, brought the phrases ‘post’ and ‘pre op transsexual’ into our living rooms and thankfully now we all know the difference – Should be knighted. Go JERRY Go JERRY Go JERRY!!