The Top Ten
08 April 2008
After an Absence which might even raise the suspicions of a Local Government Sick Leave Investigator it’s a return to brass tacks for this site with a Personal Top Ten…
The Top Ten things that I’d not experienced prior to Alice’s arrival
10. Pram Pushing…
Believe it or not there is an art to Pram interaction. My first outing with Alice and the Mama’s & Papa’s Mobile saw me kicking more rear wheels than a teenager on the look out for an un-raced or rallied Second Hand Saxo, consequently Alice’s journey was akin to a baby Kangaroo’s. Thankfully after the first mile like Sergie Bubka immediately prior to his record breaking feats I learnt to shorten my stride and lengthen my arms. It was then that I realised that the poor girl was being blinded by the sun. Short of reversing everywhere a change of body position was required and I ended up walking alongside the soddin’ thing whilst acting as a sun defender (not a pro page three rag one I hasten to add).
9. Nippaz with Attitude…
Hip Hop with a Glockenspiel and Xylophone – Alice Loves it.
8. Dressing…
It took me nearly 30 minutes to put a nappy and vest on Alice the first time I attempted to clothe her. Thankfully the watching midwife was very patient as she supervised me and even managed a slice of Birthday cake as her anniversary came and went. I know it’s not a race but the knowledge that I can change Alice from Poopy Diaper to clean and ready to venture out into the world in under two minutes has me hoping that the Beijing Olympics introduces Baby Dressing as an Olympic Sport.
7. Nappy Changing…
What I thought would be one of the worst jobs in the world has turned into one of my favourites. Obviously my penchant for car cleanliness has seamlessly transitioned into Alice’s Bum cleanliness and it seems only a matter of time before I start to jet wash her arse before buffing it up with some Turtle Wax and finishing it off with Wonder Wheels and a deftly positioned Feu Orange.
6. Baby Talk…
From ‘Dada’ to ‘Gaga’, ‘Mama’ to ‘GooGoo’ it’s safe to say that Alice isn’t getting the best or most original start when it comes to Pioneering Parental Poetry.
5. Baby Wrap…
Not some sort of Junior Mafia West Coast Hip Hop nor a Mexican Cannibal’s Tortilla Style Lunch. Enveloping Alice in a Sheet so that her arms and legs are fastened closely to her body. The satisfaction that is gleaned from successfully swaddling a wriggling baby can be compared to the joy of completing the Snake, Professor Rubik’s luke warm received follow up to the Cube.
4. The Wind Monitor…
Picture the scene, you’ve just put your first born in her Moses Basket after the last feed of the day, you’re sat down with a cuppa gazing at your wife exchanging endearing glances whilst listening to the Tomy Monitor echo to the sound of baby coos and gurgles as your little one begins to drop off to sleep. Nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for the Bottom Burp that breaks the hushed tones in the house, like your smoke alarm going off at 4 in the morning ‘cos the battery’s buggered it’s a stark reminder that the mood can change whenever she wants it too.
3. The Smile…
Nothing comes close to the warm fuzzy feeling that you get inside when your daughter smiles at you… apart from a forceful gulp of MacDonalds Apple Pie, a gobful of Hot Chocolate or the aforementioned Bottom Burp after Len’s Chilli.
2. Baby On Board…
It used to really grate that Parents presumed that I gave two tosses that their child was travelling in their car! What do you want me to do? Not crash into you? ‘Cos I was just about to rear end you until I saw your little yellow freakin’ sign!!!
Now I realise that the sign is for the BENEFIT of the bloke I used to be. May I suggest a descriptive clause…
Baby on Board – Therefore I’m gonna place my hands at ten to two on the steering wheel and maintain a speed exactly 20 percent below the required limit – In short I’m gonna drive like a Nobber ‘cos I don’t wanna put my newborn in any danger whatsoever. In fact if a Manufacturer brought out a model called the ‘Pillow’ and it contained an air bag for each individual square inch of surface area that it took up with its’ mass then I’d break the bank to buy the four wheeled miraclemobile.
1. Winding
I’ve noticed that the art of winding differs from the male and female perspective. Len calmly places Alice between her neck and shoulder and softly rubs Baby’s back in a circular motion gently patting intermittently between calm hushing tones.
Me? I sling Alice over my shoulder ‘til she’s hanging halfway down my back and utilise the perfected ‘Get the last bit of Brown Sauce from the bottom of the bottle’ method that’s guided me throughout my culinary years.