Collared
22 January 2007
Starting Day One of a new Manual is invariably a shock to the system.
Opening Page One of the Manual II though didn’t bring the expected shock – ‘Start slowly’ it advised ‘Give your body time to incorporate your new lifestyle’, Did this mean have one dripper as opposed to two for Lunch I thought? Well, as I’m following Len’s Slimming World Plan drippers I’m afraid are part of the past (or maybe a part of my very distant future if things go awry) so yesterday I settled down to a routine of days by colour that Len’s been strictly adhering and I’ve been consistently ignoring for the last 3 months.
As part of the whole fitness thing I intend to start running again (under strict instruction from The Manual) and hope to have a jogging partner. Although she hasn’t been told officially Rosie is going to be my new training buddy and I’m hoping that she’ll be able to canter alongside me without stopping to have or sniff a rogue pavement poo every 100 yards.
As I’ve kitted myself out with a new pair of Nike’s that (time, budget and my technical limitations permitting) will hopefully work in conjunction with a new ipod nano using the ‘Nike Plus’ running system I thought it only fair that Rose ought to benefit from the latest in canine running gear so paid a visit to Pet Smart today to buy her a lightweight lead and collar.
We took the poor dog into the shop and spent the next 15 minutes with various collars and leads hoping to get one for her that didn’t jingle, jangle, irritate or weigh her down too much. After jogging up ‘n down aisle 2 for the best part of 10 minutes with varying, collar, lead and harness combo’s Len and myself were getting very tired of the game but it appeared that Rosie was having a wail of a time.
Finally the monotony of the task got the better of us both and we chucked the best (for ‘best’ read ‘lightweight, soft and just about the right length of lead to give Rosie a bit of flexibility when I’m slowing down’) of the bunch in our basket and went to the checkout. It was only when we got home and I inspected my purchase that I realised that I had made a mistake. The lead is supple, just the right length and lightweight. On one side it’s a lovely blue colour but turning it over reveals the phrase ‘One of us doesn’t have any Balls’ which is repeated down the full length of the lead in Bold Black Lettering – If someone stops me when I’m out with m new Running Partner and asks me if she’s a dog or a bitch www.rogz.com are gonna be getting a stern letter from me!
Du Lucks
09 January 2007
When I was younger ‘having the painters in’ was a phrase that myself and friends alike muttered with a giggle and a wink as it alluded to a feminine condition that is far too delicate a subject for these pages to broach.
Years on and absolutely nothing is changed. When asked recently by a mate how things were at home I came out with the aforementioned expression only to be greeted with a spray of Stella as he immaturely reacted in a way I would have years (well OK weeks) ago.
It’s no joke having your house decorated and with my well documented flu finally waning our house has been turned upside down by Greg the Decorator who lists Watching Coney Hill play Rugby, Drinking at Coney Hill Rugby Club and listening to Elvis on the Coney Hill Rugby Club Wurlitzer as his top 3 things to do… in the world… EVER!
It’s only 2 days into the marathon task and the novelty of having a duvet cover up at the window as makeshift curtains (Len wouldn’t use windowlene for fear of me drawing body parts in the cloudy white haze) is already diminishing.
Our new sofa gets delivered in 7 weeks time and at present it looks like a strike by Coney Hill RFC players, brewers and jukebox enthusiasts is the only way that it’ll be finished in time.
Goolies
02 January 2007
‘Goolies’, one of my favourite words in the world, it evokes memories of a time of innocence when ‘kids playing’ meant actually going outside, being at one with nature and getting their jeans dirty as opposed to going upstairs, being at one with their Flatscreen portable TV and switching the Playstation on.
Being hit in the Goolies by a football was a right of passage for any adolescent in the late 70’s akin now I suppose to being caught by your parents surfing for porn or being ‘owned’ by your mate on the latest X-Box 360 release.
Over the Christmas period I peeled myself off my deathbed and went to watch Bristol Rovers play at Wallsall with Beesy, Al and Little Lee. We asked Lee where he wanted to sit and to our dismay he (like every 13 year old I suppose) wanted to sit behind the goal right at the front of the stand. Unfortunately this meant that although our heads remained dry as they were just about covered by the overhead gantry our legs and feet got soaking wet. Another downside worthy of mention was that we came face to face with a backside the size of HMS Belfast as a 20 plus stone sized Gashead decided to bare all in front of us after receiving a torrent of abuse from his mates up in the top of the stand.
In the first half after a swift attack from Wallsall the Rovers keeper came out to smother a shot in a defiant act of stupidity, bravery and goalkeeping - this is when it happened. The Wallsall attacker standing a mere 5 feet away from him absolutely leathered the ball at the goal and it hit the keeper square in the nuts. Immediately he crumpled, like a strong oak tree being felled by a volley of napalm he was down in nanoseconds.
There were no sounds emanating from the Keeper at all and the crowd were hushed as grown men who had gone through similar injury fell silent as a mark of respect. And then we heard it, a young lad a couple of rows behind us looked up at his father and asked ‘Did he get it in the Goolies Dad?’.
The trainer sprinted onto the pitch, magic sponge in hand and began treating his fallen player and we all looked on giggling at his wretched luck…
