Mister Mister
20 November 2006
And now I’m all alone. In bedsit land my only home - Soft Cell, 1981
‘Living in bad housing is no joke. If your home is damp, cold, unhealthy or dangerous, you shouldn’t have to put up with it’ – Shelter
In 1966, Shelter was set up to do what the Government, housing bodies, and local agencies were failing to do - prevent bad housing and homelessness from taking a terrible toll on people’s lives.
Thirty years on and they’re encouraging people to live in squalor and to photograph the evidence and subsequently celebrate it online in the Shelter Competition
With the bait of a Sony Vaio laptop and a Personal Cleaner on offer, Bedsitters everywhere are putting down the mops and picking up their Photography equipment.
My thoughts on the subject? If you can afford a Digital Camera and Internet Access then I’m sure that you can afford the two Misters (Messrs Sheene and Muscle) and a bloody duster.
For Mash get Smash
15 November 2006
A very quick Multiple Choice Quiz for www.steveqpr.co.uk readers…
The BIG news for Gloucestershire County Council Staff on their local government provided Internet Home Page this week is…?
A. Gloucestershire Police Force being ordered to pay £2,500 in compensation to a rejected white male recruit after it accepted that its action to ‘advance diversity’ had been unlawful. An employment tribunal awarded the compensation to Matt Powell, 30, one of 108 white men whose applications were rejected by the Gloucestershire Constabulary in favour of those from women and ethnic minorities. Powell, an IT worker, applied to join the force last year and was told he had made it through to the second round of the recruitment process. Two months later, he received a letter saying he had been ‘randomly deselected’.
B. Gloucestershire County Council Education Authority suspending one of its’ employees after he was summoned to attend Gloucester Crown Court to face charges of ill-treatment of two youngsters aged under 16.
C. The revelation that Seventies food is being brought back to life! Smash will soon be available to lovers of instant mashed potato and is to join the recently relaunched Cinzano Bianco and Blue Nun white wine on our supermarket shelves. Is this is nostalgia gone mad? Further reinventions are also planned for Mateus Rosé, Ringos crisps and Poppets.
Answers on a Postcard to ’I think the answer might be C‘ Competition at the usual www.steveqpr.co.uk address.
The Top Ten
14 November 2006
Yeah, OK there’s only nine. Two months of part time work have seen me degenerate into the role of casa couch potato addicted to Pringles and crap TV. Whenever Len walks in I tell her that I was watching Sky Sports and the remote control must’ve slipped!
In honour of the aforementioned here are the www.steveqpr.co.uk Top 10 9 low brow chat shows…
9. Kilroy…
Boring Snoring Middle Class Snowy Haired Kilroy was never gonna win the fans over with his brand of effusive pomposity and affected arrogance. This condescending attitude caused guests to reject his haughtiness in favour of Vanessa Feltz on ITV – that says it all really.
8. Ricki Lake…
If Big Bird is the King then Lake surely is the Queen of Fat Chicks. Got her first big break starring alongside Divine in the John Waters film ‘Hairspray’. Divine went on to eat Dog Poo in the movie ‘Pink Flamingos’, Lake went on to host her own chat show regularly playing host to overweight working class lasses who claim with frequent monotony to be ‘All That’.
The jury is still out on who had the most successful career.
7. Maury Povich…
Uncle Maury - Hasn’t got a bad bone in his body and is voted by Chat show aficionado’s as the person they’d most like to share a tear filled cuddle with after admitting to fantasizing about ‘doing’ their neighbours Granny. Never gets aggressive and has perfected the ‘kneel down and look up into the eyes of the nutter’ technique so well that during a recent marriage proposal his now fiancée admitted that she used to be a bloke.
6. Oprah Winfrey…
Earns more money per visitor than all of the people in the TEN put together and commands an all star guest list that’s included Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, Bill Clinton, Madonna and Willis from Diff’rent Strokes. This sort of clientele and bulging bank balance hasn’t stopped her blinkered fans from branding her ‘The Host with the Common Touch’ and in an attempt to confirm this façade Winfrey regularly polishes off Bags of Dunkin’ Donuts and Whopper Meals with her audience prior to going on air. Unfortunately this diet has come at a cost to her weight although ever the entrepreneur Winfrey has landed a part in the upcoming Tom and Jerry movie playing the slipper clad feet and chubby calves of the cleaner of the household.
5. Montel Williams…
Baldy Montell started his show in a broom cupboard in the heart of the ABC Offices and rose to fame using his quick wit and sharp mind educating America’s Divorcee community. Unfortunately viewing figures are such that now nine times out of ten his guests outnumber the audience and the return to the Broom Closet is so imminent that Penry the Mild Mannered Janitor has been told to move out.
4. Trisha…
Continually talks about her team as if she’s the manager of a Premiership Club…
How do you think the show went today Trish?
Well our Social worker did fantastic coping with the dribbling alcoholic father and our addictions team had the crack addict from Hull in their pocket all game. I’m disappointed with Camera fives performance as he missed out on some great opportunities to get some blubbering snot close ups when the teenage mother broke down though.
And how do you feel about being relegated to Nationwide Conference Channel Five Ms. Goddard? Do you think it says a lot about the quality of your Show?
We’ll see what happens when the viewing figures come out, I’d love it, LOVE IT if we beat Jeremy Kyle.
3. Sally Jessy Raphael…
The original inspiration for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not only does she look like the wise Rodent Master Splinter she possesses the same worldly wide knowledge which she has put to good use by saving many American Mid West men from shagging their Sister. Her disappointment at her nomenclature not being utilised as character names in TMNT can regularly be seen etched on her face, and her outburst during the now infamous ‘I married my tortoise – how do I consumate our relationship?’ episode confirmed her frustrations.
2. Jeremy Kyle…
The King of Council Estates. This former Ice Cream Salesman saw a niche market and cornered it. Prior to sitting on the steps of his own studio and asking 15 year old kids if they’ve ever heard of contraception Jezza sold Mr. Whippy products from his wagon in Handsworth and gobbed in the 99’s of the flake hungry low life. Now a polished presenter the linguistic ghost of his previous employment still regularly creeps into his show. Here are a couple of examples…
The ‘Am I a mentalist Jeremy?’ episode – Called a guest a ‘Screwball’.
The ‘Granny Makeover’ episode – told a made over 78 year old that she looked ‘Fab’.
The ‘I’m afraid to go out in Public’ episode – Told an acne riddled teen guest that his face looked like it had ‘hundred and thousands’ sprinkled on it.
The ‘I’m afraid to walk down the High Street Jeremy’ episode – he continued to use the phrase ‘Funny Feet’.
The ‘Wind Instruments Phobia’ episode – Used the word ‘cornet’ which prompted guests to panic causing a 100 grands worth of damage to the studio.
1. Jerry Springer…
Former Cincinnati Mayor, brought the phrases ‘post’ and ‘pre op transexual’ into our living rooms and thankfully now we all know the difference – Should be knighted. Go JERRY Go JERRY Go JERRY!!
The Windy City
8 November 2006
After what feels like a lifetime of begging for sponsorship Rich did his Marathon and I stumped up a penny a mile (Thank Goodness I didn’t go for the hourly rate!) - here’s his report…
First off an apology for not having sent through a completion report before now but as soon as I got back to the UK I was out on the road with work for a week. Poor excuse I’m sure but it has also given me an opportunity to collect up much of the outstanding sponsorship and the great news is that my original £2,000 target has been exceeded with the current total sitting at a fantastic £2,127.
Anyone who has yet to contribute still can via my Sponsorship Page (Jesus, does he ever give it a rest - Ed) and to everyone who has coughed up a heartfelt thank you from me and of course Whizz-Kidz.
As most will be aware I was concerned about the possibility of snow during the event and so I already had some rather fetching lycra jogging bottoms though that rather left me exposed on top. Underarmour being the way to go I went to a store here where they were asking £42 for a long sleeved cold weather top so after flying out to DC on the Wednesday before the event come Thursday morning I was in the local Sports Authority picking up the same item for a much more reasonable $34.
We were staying with Kevin & Courtney in DC before and after the race weekend in Chicago and so some sightseeing was in order Thursday accompanied by the regulation pasta meals. Early Friday morning it was off to Chicago, Heidi and I had an earlier flight than K&C and so after a two hour flight later we took a cab to the Chicago Marathon Expo to pick up my shirt number, t-shirt and as many freebies as I could cram into a bag. Loaded up with pens, stickers, leaflets advertising runs accross the globe and having sampled every type of Isotinic drink known to man (still no sign of the isotonic bovril) we checked into our hotel which was somewhat on the basic side. One of the lifts was broken and the bar had been shut (we subsequently found it was going to be closed for refurbishment). Later on we met up with Bryan, Kevin’s mate and ‘our man in Chicago’ and headed off to Wrigley Field to view the most famous baseball stadium in the World (I know thats not saying much!) where enterprising flat owners have built whole stands on the roofs of their properties.
After visiting Elwood Blues last known address we visited a few bars where I limited my alcoholic intake in view of my semi-professional athlete status.
Saturday was designed to be taken easily, we checked out where the start line was, met up with some of the fellow whizz-kidders for yet more pasta having found the Cook County Court building (Where Elwood Blues was last seen paying taxes), rode the ‘L’ and generally had a brief look at Chicago where I came to the conclusion that it’s like New York but inhabited with nice people.
The day of the race arrived and I was up at 5am, showered and vaselined up in full race gear plus extra t-shirt/jogging bottoms and large plastic poncho (de rigeur for any marathon runner). The hotel had laid on a minibus to the start which saved a lot of time as it was about 1.5miles to the downtown start line. I arrived early which meant I managed to get a start position at the front of the open section. The temperature was about 2 degrees but fortunately there was no snow.
As the countdown began folk kept throwing off their extra clothing taking out a few runners on the periphery and any number of keen spectators. Then just as we were about to start they decided to sing the national anthem which was an unecessary distraction so a few God Save the Queen’s muttered under my breath later we actually started and it was the usual shuffle, jog, shuffle approach for the first part as we headed north from the city centre towards the Gold Coast. I wasn’t to realise until later quite how well the newly aquired Underarmour was working (and if I don’t get a sponsorship deal from them soon I’ll be dissapointed!) but the first part of the marathon was largely uneventful from a running point of view. Team Giraffe however were out on course and first saw the 4 of them (Heidi, Kevin, Courtney and Bryan) at mile 5 at which point I almost broke Kevins nose by jumping on him!
The way the course was constructed for Team Giraffe it was a quick block or two accross to where mile 10 came past and they were still busy making some noise, Courtney holding up a QPR scarf making them easy to spot from a distance. The team were also out at miles 14, 16 and 26(ish) and it was at 14 I decided that when I saw them at 16 I’d change from the Underarmour to a t-shirt figuring that the thermal underlay had done it’s job - Removing it also relieved the new clothing nipple rub that had been irritating me since mile 4.
Undressing in the streets of the Windy City during winter turned out to be a decision that I would regret, the next 2 or 3 miles were ok and getting through 19 miles in 3 hours put me nicely in line for a 4 mile marathon which was perfect and my long term target. Unfortunately a combination of the number of miles and the cold (the temperature made it as high as about 4!) really affected to my uninsulated body so the final 7 miles took an hour and 40 to complete bringing me in at a time of 4 hours 37 minutes.
Other high/lowlights include…
The burst of adrenaline at the 25 mile marker that meant the last 1.2 miles felt like my quickest of the whole run.
The QPR shirt being recognised by a number of people including the guy at the mile 21 waterstation who refused me water initially on the basis of the shirt!
If I never see another Gatorade again it will be too soon.
Boystown, dragged up cowboys/girls signing Cotton Eye Joe.
Seemingly running through Spain for about 6 miles (language not weather!).
The lack of fancy dress (yea yea other than me).
The Union Jack bandana keeping my head/ears warm and deflecting the locals ‘whooping’ .
Anyone who knows John Honney will already have had his report but he completed the run in 4:59 which was a fantastic achievment and I’m only thankful I had that 20 odd minutes over him! All the whizz-kidders finished most of them between the 4:37 and 5 hour mark with a couple of particularly speedy exceptions.
Goodness knows if any of you have actually read this far but once I’d met back up with the fabulous Team Giraffe it was a welcome bath and change before hitting the town, I can’t say I managed to last too many hours or beers (not unusual - Ed) out before crashing back out at the hotel but we then managed some more sightseeing on Monday before heading back to DC.
No time to mention the taxi driver who not only refused a tip but also to take the full fare, the tramp who serenaded us with Beatles songs and offered us money or John accidently booking the romance package at his hotel which though did lead to a champagne reception in his hotel as he had 4 bottles to get rid of!
A few very pleasant days were then spent back in DC and the surrounding countryside as I recovered from Sunday’s exertions and I think I finally warmed up by the weekend!
Apart from a few manky toes that will take ages to heal poperly all as much back to normal as ever it was. So once again a big thank you to everyone who sponsored me, to Heidi and of course our American hosts and yes I may have tentatively agreed to do another one…Berlin in 2008 which should definately be warmer!
I can highly recommend Chicago as a destination but please take a jumper.