Sniggers With Attitude
26 September 2006
I’ve never ridden a motorbike that vociferously warns you off blipping the throttle. The Suzuki GSXR600 that I test rode recently snarled at me like a rabid dog as I slung my leg over it’s padded seat and flicked my right wrist when I started her up. I mean this thing didn’t just rev, it snapped and barked whenever I opened the throttle and at a guess the ingredients that provoked the wicked witches pot bubble on tickover included a gnats bollock, the Evil Hamburglar’s nasal hair and the gaudy interior cloth from a smart car – it really was that hostile. Thankfully the noise abated (or was it just my ear plugs!) as soon as the bike smoothly pulled away onto Cheltenham’s one way system and joined the middle class commuters on their way home. You know the sort, Beetles, Audi’s and the odd Merc all being driven haphazardly home to the detached Ikea decorated houses. ‘Cheltonians With Attitude coming Straight Outta Cheltenham’ – Dr. Dre and Ice Cube would’ve gunned the lot down and then released a song about it.
Through the traffic the GSXR didn’t miss a beat, smoothly carving its’ way through the lines of vehicles. The fuel injection was faultless at lower speeds and was ‘Jennifer Aniston’s arse covered in Peanut Butter’ smooth. Riding position wasn’t sit up and beg comfy, but hey, what do you expect form a bike that looks like it’s travelling at light speed even when it’s sat on the side stand – I managed OK and I’m the wrong side of 35 with wrists the size of your average Bic pen.
After the melee of traffic I was grateful for the sign pointing me through the Cheltonian commuter belt and out onto the fast silky tarmac of the A40, it was here that the Suzuki shook off it’s wet coat with a brisk downshift and showed me what it was made for. Sweeping through the bends and accelerating away the bike continually surged towards the never ending horizon its’ quest to reach the end of the earth and leap off the precipice would never be fulfilled but that didn’t stop it impatiently attempting to attain this fruitless goal.
As my test ride could only last a mere 30 minutes due to the lateness of the day I hung onto the bars, head down and felt part of the framework as it took me on an exhilarating, grin provoking 10 mile excursion towards my turnaround point enjoying every minute of the adrenalin soaked ride.
Down through the gears as the return roundabout approached I lifted my head over the screen for the first time at high(ish officer) speed and to my surprise didn’t really experience the nodding dog buffeting that usually comes with a bike of this nature – the brakes were brick wall effective and although stopping on a sixpence wouldn’t be realistic (especially since decimalisation) I reckon you could get away with a fiver or maybe a pound coin if you’re on a budget.
I took a different route back via the spaghetti like A436 where the Suzuki showed that it’s no slouch when overtaking, pulling from as low down as 4000 revs to dispatch vehicles as if they were empty Monster Munch packets being chucked out of a car window.
As I arrived into the vehicle infested streets of Cheltenham I was reminded once again of NWA and Ice Cube’s lyrics while I attempted to negotiate my way through the chocabloc roads ‘So when I’m in your neighborhood, you better duck Coz Ice Cube is crazy as f*ck’ unfortunately no-one ducked, moved or budged and despite some maniacal filtering I missed the dealership closing time by a hairs breadth and was severely rebuked for having the bike out too late.
byePod
18 September 2006
During 16 years of home ownership I’ve never ever had cause to claim on my house insurance. On Friday the inevitable happened…
I returned home and was met as usual by Rosie bounding happily to greet me, I paid little attention to the colourful toys strewn around the house, the place invariably looks like it’s been hit by a cuddly toy mortar bomb when we return home as she decides to get every bloody one of her plaything’s out of her basket when she’s alone.
I praised her for being a good girl whilst I was out of the house (the definition of ‘good’ for all you non dog owners is the happy marriage of no canine bodily fluids in the house and no damage to any furniture or personal belongings) and opened the back door so she could rampage in the back garden while I chucked all her bits and pieces back in the dog basket.
Then I noticed it, the orange oblong shape amidst the squeaky bone, the tennis ball and the QPR beanie bear – The iSock, my heart sank.
If the sock was on the floor then my iPod wasn’t going to be too far away. It was then that I heard the unmistakeable sound of dog’s teeth on expensive electrical equipment. I turned around and saw Rosie with in excess of 200 quids worth of MP3 player sticking out of her mouth, tail wagging, puppy dog eyes squinting.
If the subsequent frenetic chase around the garden had been filmed then the accompanying soundtrack would come straight from the Benny Hill school of pursuit.
After what seemed like a hundred breathless minutes of garden cavorting I caught her and removed the sticky black rectangle from her mouth for inspection. To use a technical term it was shagged. The screen was more ‘Liquid Sod All’ than ‘Liquid Crystal’ and the infamous click wheel was absolutely buggered.
After a quick telling off I decided immediately to claim on our Home Insurance policy and went through the humiliating telephone conversation.
When I told the Claims Hotline that ‘The dog ate my iPod’ I instantly knew they thought I was lying. I tried to reassure the lady on the end of the phone that I wasn’t one of those Insurance Scammers however she treated me with the disdain of a person who assumed that I was one of the people that was responsible for her extortionate premiums last year.
I played the virginal claimant saying things like ‘I never do this’, ‘Its my first time’ and pleaded for her to ‘Be gentle with me’ but to no avail – the die had been cast.
After the rigmarole of giving her all the details she asked one final question…
‘Is there anything else I can help you with Sir?’
‘Yeah.’ I said, trying for one final time to give my story a smidgen of credibility ‘Do you know how to remove a size 9 Nike from a Springer Spaniel’s backside?’
‘No.’ she replied, and put the phone down.
The Top Ten
07 September 2006
Another Ten, this time highlighting my passion for Motorcycling although I’ve purposefully excluded ANY racers whatsoever and just gone for those that I consider to be icons (well in one form or another!) of the two wheeled world…
The Top Ten Motorcycling Icons
10. Che Guevara…
At the bottom of the list and should really be stuck behind Schwarzenegger and Mikey from American Chopper in the mid thirties. Simple Argentine farm boy Guevara rode his clapped out wankel engined three wheeler around his Dad’s farm rounding up his father’s herd of heifers when it was time for milking. He documented his life by writing in a notebook about his mundane time as a cow herder. ‘The Motorcycle Dairies’ didn’t make very compelling reading however, so Che decided to be rather economical with the truth and alter the title. The rest as they say is history.
9. Steve McQueen…
What’s this pretender doing in the ‘Ten’ you may ask? Evil Kneivel and Eddie Kidd jumped Canyons, Lorries and Double Decker Buses with no thought for their own safety whilst McQueen failed to jump a 4 foot barbed wire fence and was subsequently caught by the Gestapo. You’re right of course however McQueen gets in purely because he loved his motorbikes more than the glamorous young Hollywood women that he dated. In recently leaked legal documents relating to his divorce from Ali Macgraw she cites ‘A Triumph Bonneville’ as McQueen’s ‘love interest’. McQueen’s lawyers didn’t contest this allegation on the basis that poor Steve got to keep his collection of Motorcycles and Helmets. Meanwhile, Macgraw was granted the divorce and subsequently buggered off with the couples other form of transport a black Artic Lorry which was later seen being driven off a rickety bridge (much to McQueen’s disgust) by Kris ‘Rubber Duck’ Kristofferson in the 1978 film ‘Convoy’.
8. Henry Winkler…
Every Day was a Happy Day if you were Arthur Fonzarelli. Let’s look at the evidence…
His Office was a Bog which meant that he could take a crap whilst sat at his desk.
He pulled women like a Christmas Novelty Products Tester pulls Crackers.
He ate Burgers ‘n Fries at Arnolds everyday of the bloody week and didn’t put on a pound.
He rode a Triumph.
The only downside for TV’s Mr. Cool was that he could turn things on purely with a swift strike of his right fist which made him an icon for wife batterers everywhere.
7. Peter Fonda…
Easy Rider? Easy Bloody Rider? How the hell he managed to ride his Chopper with Nicholson on the back and his fuel tank stuffed with Phil Spector’s cash is anyone’s guess. The films success provoked Fonda to release a few sequels which were all box office flops. These included ‘Easy Peasy Rider’ where Hopper and Fonda ride no handed throughout the film, ‘Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Rider’ where the 3 stars have to get home for Shrove Tuesday and ‘Easy Peasy Japaneezee Rider’ where Pat Morita (he of ‘The Karate Kid’ fame) shows them the best way to apply wax to their grubby bikes.
6. Wallace and Gromit…
The ‘Tens’ only double act, they get in due to the fact that they both live their biking lives on the ragged edge. Wallace favours thin dungarees and an open faced lid with the chin strap loosely wrapped around his chin whilst Gromit prefers Birthday Suit and German Lutwaffe issue headgear. All of the aforementioned wouldn’t be too bad however it doesn’t really matter how much protection you wear when you’re made out of Plasticene and any type of accident could see you being turned into a piece of Blu-Tac and being used to keep a ‘Powerpuff Girls’ poster on the wall of a 6 year olds’ bedroom.
5. Eddie Kidd…
Spent more time on his ass than on his bike mainly due to his penchant for advertising Levis Jeans and Sunsilk Hair Products. The glitz and glamour of commercial TV was more of a pull for young Eddie than jumping Buses and he let his promising biking career take a back (or should it be pillion) seat while he took acting lessons at the Horace Golightly Acting School for the incompetent and untalented. Unfortunately for Ed it soon became apparent that he had been acting (well, appearing!) on TV without an Equity Card and once the Trade Union got wind of his heinous crime they sent a hit man to take the young daredevil out. Consequently Eddie was forced to fake his own death by jumping a gorge without a safety net during the Spring of 1996. He was buried in private grounds in a grave that measured the length of 14 double decker buses which was coincidentally the length of his record breaking jump in 1978.
4. Air Raid Warden Hodges…
With his motorbike and Sidecar actor Bill Pertwee slowly pootled around the town of Walmington-on-Sea with one hand on the throttle and one on his whistle. The original Born Again Biker Pertwee only undertook his Direct Access Exam 2 weeks prior to filming when Pompous upstart Captain Mainwaring called to offer him the part. Unfortunately Pertwee failed his DAS and instead of being given a Fireblade to blat around the A Roads of the quaint seaside town he was given a motorbike and sidecar with the engine replaced with pedals and gearing from a Raleigh Chopper by the BBC Special Effects Department. Pertwee meanwhile persevered with his lesons and finally passed his test just in time for the release of the ‘Dads Army 40 year memorial DVD Box Set’. The 86 year old can be seen in the sleeve notes getting his artificial hip down whilst riding his Hayabusa.
3. Ewan McGregor…
Of course, the condescending little Scottish Git can sit there waffling as much as he likes about ‘Choosing Life’ when his particular living consists of riding around the World for 3 months on a free bike wearing complimentary gear, making a fortune out of a best selling DVD documenting his travels and then playing with his very own light sabre and shagging Nicole Kidman! Choose Life Ewan? Yeah alright Pal, I’ll swap my life as a local Government Officer for yours and we’ll see how we get on shall we?
Tosser.
2. Evil Knievel…
What were Anne and Bob Knievel thinking?! Let’s be honest here, bestowing a moniker on their son as bizarre as Evil was hardly likely to set him up for a vocation as a Welder or an Accountant. Even Evil’s discarded middle name Harvey wasn’t sufficient enough to stop the leather clad mentalist pursuing a career as a Maniacal Imbecile. From the ill fated Fountain Jump at Caesars Palace where Evil had initially wanted to jump the Sherbert variety as opposed to the real things to the Canyon jump on his ‘Rocket Bike’ that ended before it really began as the scaredy cat deployed the parachute on take off, Evil was never happier than when he was wearing the stars and stripes and breaking bones. After another failed jump at Wembley Stadium he was roundly criticised by the English National Press and was christened with the moniker ‘Reg Varney’ as it was alleged that he spent more time ‘On the Buses’ than the TV Actor.
1. Marlon Brando…
The original Wild One, married together what’s now more commonly known as the ‘Bikers Hatrick’ – Bike, Fag and Leather Jacket. Brando was also at the forefront of Biking Road Safety championing the pursuit of motorcycling way before Henry Winkler slung his leg over a Triumph, pointed to the pillion seat and told Potsy to ‘sit on it’. James Dean did it on four wheels, Brando did it on two. One lived ‘til he was eighty the other wrapped his 1955 Porsche Spyder around an oncoming vehicle at the tender age of 24.
Matt Gloss
04 September 2006
Nope, not as the title suggests an entry about one of the members of popular 80’s boy band Bros…
Last weekend we purchased a Fletcher Sibthorp painting from this author’s favourite shop (apart from William Hill obviously) Finesse
The painting is bloody massive and once our house is decorated (or we move into a new ‘un) it’ll take pride of place somewhere (possibly next to my signed QPR shirt). Now, I’m no fine art critic but old Fletcher has obviously got talent in the same way that Dumbo has got ears and if you take time to look on Sibthorp’s Site you’ll see some fantastic artwork.
After yesterday however I do wonder where he gets the motivation to create his pieces – Three hours glossing the back door and windows left me with a bad back and a temper as short as Jason Acuna’s ‘thing’…
Acuna (right), ‘Wee-Man’ - Nuff said
…not even one of Len’s homemade Smartie cookie’s combined with a cold bottle of San Miguel could diffuse my painting frustration’s and French polish effect fingernail’s. Thankfully I’m looking after our next door neighbours house so I retired next door with said San Miguel and Sky Sports News before I criticised the lack of smarties in Cookie number 2 in relation to cookie number 1.
I’ve still got six more windows to do (thankfully I tackled the hardest one first) and I don’t know where I’m going to sum up the will to complete them all. To be frank I wouldn’t give a toss if the next time I hear the phrase ‘Get the Brush out’ it’s being screamed at an ageing ventrlioquist who subsequently sticks his hand up a fox’s backside and then shouts ‘Boom Boom’ ‘cos he thinks it’s funny.
In this entry I had intended to mock people who actually buy books with black outlines of a colourless boat bobbing about on a colourless sea on a colourless background but I can’t be bothered. In fact if any of them are reading I’ve got the following blank canvas available with the corresponding key should they wish to utilise their god given artistic gift at staying within a bloody great big black line…
The Top Five
01 September 2006
I was prompted to write this for a website that I frequent and thought I’d replicate it here - No ‘Wham’ or ‘Take That’ gives the list the added pretension that this author strives for.
The Top 5 (in no particular order) www.steveqpr.co.uk songs…
Curtis Mayfield - ‘We The People who are Darker than Blue’ (’Curtis/Live’)
‘…I know we’ve all got problems that’s why I’m here to say,
Keep peace with me and I with you,
Let me love in my own way…’
Mayfield’s voice at it’s best mixing poignant lyrics with superb percussion. A track thats’ tempo vary’s with the emotion of a raw, edgy and soulful voice. For its’ time the content was controversial and thought provoking - you don’t get ‘em like that anymore.
Errol Garner - ‘Autumn Leaves’ (’A Concert By the Sea’)
‘Jazz Pianist’ the very phrase sends shudders down the spine and has people reaching for the earplugs (or shotgun!). This however is Garner at the top of his game and he mixes classical and jazz with effortless ease. No-one knows where he’s gonna take us next but we’re just happy to be there for the ride.
Luther Vandross - ‘A House is not a Home’ (’Live - Radio City Music Hall’)
The Body of a Tonka Truck the voice of an Angel. If any one track personified Luther’s brilliance and wide vocal range then the performance of this song at Radio City Hall was it. Vandross captivates the fans and holds them in the palm of his hand for the duration, only letting them go when he’s demonstrated the power of the most soulful voice it’s ever been my pleasure to witness at first hand.
Esther Phillips - ‘Please Release Me’ (’The Country Side of Esther Phillips’)
I was walking around the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville and came across an area tucked away in the far corner dedicated to ‘Black Music’ - I chucked on a pair of headphones chose a song title at Random and this track is what I heard. After a couple of verses my wife walked over and asked me if anything was wrong - it was then that I realised that Esther’s rendition of this timeless classic had moved me to tears.
Johnny Cash - ‘A Boy named Sue’ (’Live at San Quentin’)
Cash growls the lyrics to the inmates of San Quentin Prison with a song that’s brimming with aggressive undertones only letting them off the hook with the very last line - A must hear track.