Golden Ticket
26 May 2006
I never thought my life could be anything but catastrophe,
But suddenly i begin to see a bit of good luck for me,
‘cos i’ve got a golden ticket - Charlie Bucket, 1971
Early this morning I received a text from Beesy that was the news that we’ve been hoping for since the World Cup draw. It read…
‘Might be able 2 get paraguay tickets! My bro knows someone selling 3 - £150 each I will buy them if i can’
My reply was one word…
‘nice’
Although we’d resigned ourselves to not attending the game there’s always that faint sliver of hope, a tiny hint of optimism, the dream that an anonymous bloke bearing a kind smile and full of stupidity and generosity in equal quantities will notice 3 glum chaps sipping beer at a bar in Frankfurt, take pity on them and approach one of the sad faces saying…
‘What’s the matter bucko you look down? No England tickets eh, never mind chaps, here’s 3 and you can have them gratis and while I’m here let me get you another round in.’
So, Beesy’s text took the form of the Good ‘ticket touting’ Samaritan and my spirits were lifted despite having to fork out 150 quid for the privilege of watching an English team that couldn’t score in a brothel. Nothing could spoil my day, I took Rosie for a walk and got drenched, I locked myself out of the house, I slid the bike all over the place on a mini roundabout and just managed to keep upright, O2 didn’t have my new phone in stock despite numerous promises to the contrary and a special journey into Gloucester to go and pick it up. Through it all I remained unphased. Then I got into work and received the following email and attachment…
From: Beesy
To: Al; Steve
Lads,
Please forgive me, I’m afraid I fell for a hoax. I got so excited at prospect of tickets I texted you before opening attachment (shown below). Doh!
Gonna fockin swing for my bro when I see him.
Beesy
What a Bell End 
Pixel Goals
23 May 2006
Keep a glock that will shock and bring the rest,
tucked underneath my Mitchell and Ness.
I, travellin, handlin with a forty-five cannon,
It’s tucked in my Marc Buchanan - Jay Z, Poppin’ Tags, 2002
A week without an entry prompts me to apologise to my regular reader (Hi Mum) and also motivates me to write a quick article.
My thoughts are turning to the World Cup trip now and I’ve been attempting to find something to wear on the day of the game which will say to those looking on (Police specifically!) ‘Yes, I am an England football fan but I’m not one of those thuggish one’s that you all read about. Go and arrest one of those instead!’.
So, to wear Umbro’s finest England flammable attire is out of the question. I’m looking for something pretentious, stylish and of course reasonably priced (60 quid for a Paul Smith World Cup T-Shirt my arse). A search of the Internet is being undertaken however today in my quest for the perfect T-Shirt I came across Pixel Goals and I thought I’d share with the readership a couple of my favourites…
Brazil -v- Italy 1970
England -v- Argentina 1998
England -v- Germany 1966
There’s also the Marco Tardelli goal form the Italy -v- Germany game in 1982 arguably one of the most enduring images in World Cup History.
Tardelli over the moon at receiving 10% TOFFS Discount
So, Pixel Goals is at the top of my list of prospective vendors however I’m not 100% certain as yet due to the fact that Toffs have a 10% discount on offer and I’ve also yet to see the latest offerings from Prada and Aquascutum.
And you all thought Sven had decision making problems!
It’s a Stick up
16 May 2006
‘If it’s not a right angle it’s a wrong angle’ - Pedro Panini, Mexico, 1970
OK, I confess, a couple of weeks ago I bought the News Of The World. Well, bought isn’t the right phrase really, trekked around the Newsagents in the less salubrious parts of Gloucester (Tredworth and Coney Hill if you know your Glaws geography) until I stumbled upon a copy of the Bible for the Working Class/Sexually Malnourished.
Why?
Was it for the ‘BARE DEVIL – Colt Seevers in naked Stuntman Threesome’ headline?
Was it for the 14 pages of mobile phone advertisements?
Was it for the Special Blue Pills?
No, It was for this…
The Panini World Cup 2006 Sticker Collection
My first Panini Album was during the 1978 World Cup in Argentina and I can remember desperately badgering my parents to get me a Mario Kempes Sticker not realising at the time that it was a pot luck thing - During the ‘78 World Cup I had more swaps than Noel Edmonds and Archie Gemmell’s face will be forever imprinted on my mind as his was the card that littered the playground floor more than anyone else’s…
Never forget your first Panini
King Kempes
Those who are in the know are well aware that Panini sticker position is an art form, not something that you can learn overnight. In fact it takes years of practice to become a Panini Professional. I am now a veteran of 9 world cups (admittedly my Panini record is 7) and I still don’t yet feel that I’m a bona fide Card Connoisseur.
I have my moments, I’ve mastered the fine art of opening a packet without damaging the contents, I have a steady hand and don’t feel the need to use the patented paninitweezer technique used by amateurs who are attempting to utilise skills that an origamist would struggle with.
Panini have recently lowered the bar when it comes to card placing however. Gone are the days when you could pat yourself on the back for a job well done by seeing a symmetrical black border around Zbigniew Boniek. The external rectangle that was the marker for a good insertion has been removed in favour of a more subtle and less obtrusive border that falls within the size of the sticker. This move is obviously for those that have a penchant for just banging in the stickers willy-nilly (bloody kids spoiling our fun). The pleasure, contentment and satisfaction that a successful placement would afford a Sticker afficianado has been removed by a realisation of monotony when you’ve still got 4 more packs to open and slot in – this was apparent last night when I just banged Wayne Rooney in knowing that even if I had him at a 30 degree angle he’d still wouldn’t look out of place.
Panini Stickers used to be the pastime for the obsessive compulsive in us all – now it’s just another thing to waste your money on.
Buy in bulk for a 2p per sticker discount
Five Minutes of Funk
13 May 2006
‘We started dancing and love put us into a groove,
As soon as we started to move’ - Shannon, 1984
My FA Cup memory goes back to 1976 and although I missed the start of the Cup Final today it’s the most exciting I’ve witnessed since the 1979 classic between Arsenal and Manchester United where a late Alan Sunderland goal gave The Gunners a deserved victory after a spirited United comeback (although the 3-3 between Palace and United in 1990 runs it pretty close too).
Fortunately for those of you who despise footy this post isn’t about that particular subject, Len sent me a link today that took me back to the times when I was a music obsessed teenager and the only reason to go ‘up town’ on a Saturday morning was to see my mate Winston and buy records off him in his store. Sunday’s were spent listening to Robbie Vincent or around a mates house swapping tunes…
Hazel Dean - ‘Searchin’
Gwen Guthrie - ‘Ain’t Nothing Going on but the Rent’
Whodini - ‘Five Minutes of Funk’
Al Jarreau - ‘L is for Lover’
Freddie Jackson - ‘Tasty Love’
Luther Vandross - ‘It’s over Now’
Robert White - ‘Hold Me Tight’
NWA - ‘Express Yourself’
In the 80’s everything was vinyl, everything HAD to be 12″ and when you impatiently arrived home to play your purchases you sat quietly and intently listened to the track for fear of any movement making the stylus jump (or alternatively you put a two pence piece just above the needle). Ahhh yes, the good ol’ days…
This ‘uns a ground breaking classic from 1984 and it still sounds good today (it was £2.49 on 12″ when I bought it, I’ve still got the receipt!). Unfortunatey, it’s only a matter of time ’til some Nob Jockey (I use the term‘Nob’ to replace ‘Disc’ in this instance) uses the catchy bass line in a funked up millenium version and it ends up as a soddin’ ringtone…
The 80’s - When carrying a flat rectangular box around town didn’t mean you’d just bought a takeaway Pizza.
The Top Ten
11 May 2006
A hastily put together Ten admittedly. I couldn’t think of anything funny to say about Dr. Watson other than he rarely went home and probably lived with Sherlock. As I’d already played the ‘homo card’ with Robin I thought he’d be best discarded.
The Top Ten Crime Fighting Sidekicks
10. Eddie and Lou (The Simpsons)
‘Hello? Sorry, wrong number, this is 9 1 erm….2′
Chief Wiggum doesn’t solve the crimes, nor do Eddie and Lou so pray tell how does the Springfield Police Department operate? Complaints to…
Springfield Community Charge Offices
Springfield
USA
9. Starsky (Starsky and Hutch)
Paul Michael Glaser was the sidekick despite the fact that the American Network gave his character David Starsky the prominent position in the opening credits, primary name in the programme title and let him drive the Ford Torino. Ken Hutchinson was the intellectual, cool, suave and sophisticated, streetwise cop (see C. Cagney) whilst Starsky bounded around with childlike fascination whenever the words Bear and Huggy were mentioned. If Hutch hadn’t had to baby-sit Starsky and his morbid fascination with the coroners office every bloody episode crime figures would’ve been down to nil.
8. Penfold (Dangermouse)
Terry Scott played the inept Hamster who would’ve made a balls up of a glass of water if DM had trusted him with the simple task. If you pay close attention and watch the episodes concurrently Penfold discovers that if he position’s himself to the left of DM the one eyed rodent can’t see what the bungling hamster is going to bugger up next – he wasn’t that stupid.
7. The Teen Angels (Captain Caveman)
Taffy (so called ‘cos she had an affair with Tom Jones way before Bob Hoskins had a crack at Jessica Rabbit), Dee Dee and Brenda. Remember them? They were the one’s that usually got the hairy Neanderthal into trouble before coming up with a scheming plan which, assisted by our superhero would catch the conniving janitor. Blonde Bimbo Taffy was the one who cajoled Captain Caveman into going along with the plan and often used a level of flirtatiousness that shouldn’t have been seen until after the 9pm watershed.
6. Robin (Batman and Robin)
The only question that needs answering is… What was Robin’s sexual orientation?
Batman was aroused by Cat Woman (even when Eartha Kitt played her) so there’s no questioning his masculinity however Robin seemed to overlook the lycra clad feline and grew more and more fascinated with Penguins every time Burgess Meredith appeared on screen. Thankfully the series was cancelled by ABC in 1968 and the episode where Robin takes on the Whipsnade Buffalo Bandit single-handedly was confined to Bruce Wayne’s cutting room floor.
5. Mary Beth Lacey (Cagney and Lacey)
Yet another debatable entry straight from the Harmony Hairspray (is she or isn’t she?) school of questionability. Christine Cagney was the troubled, (part time alcoholic), ambitious, driven, blond (fit), streetwise cop (see K. Hutchinson). Mary Beth had 2 kids (plus one on the way at the latter end of the series) and a further adolescent in her husband Harvey who worked ‘construction’ but was a permanent fixture in the couple’s kitchen where they talked about his job and their lack of money – this usually culminated in a row about Mary Beth undermining her husbands role as family breadwinner and him storming out to spend her money on beer and fags. Rumour has it that Marge Simpson was modelled on Mary Beth but after complaints made by Tyne Daly’s legal representative they changed Marge’s hair to a blue beehive as prior to that she looked the spitting image of her.
4. TC (Magnum)
Rick spent all the time kipping in a Rickshaw and only helped his ‘Nam buddies when he wasn’t doing that or lunching at the King Kamehamahema Club (I had to look that up!) whilst TC flew Thomas around despite him running up a tab that George Best would’ve been proud off. ‘Island Hoppers’ TC’s Hawaiian helicopter service was utilised by Magnum at least once an episode hence the enormity of the bill which probably escalated into the millions after the 8th series was aired.
3. Rocky (The Rockford Files)
Beeeeep…’Hello, Jim? It’s Lorna from Cuddles Sauna. We’ve got a G-String with your name and number on that’s been handed into lost and found. Do you fancy picking it up or can I ebay it?’
Wise old sage Rocky was always there when James Garner needed a shoulder to cry on…
When the Pontiac’s carbs needed cleaning Jim went to Rocky.
If the Asbestos Authorities were condemning his mobile home Jim went to Rocky.
If he wanted to talk to Adrian about pet supplies Jim went to Rocky.
…you get the idea. Rocky was the first person to coin the phrase ‘life coach’ and would’ve made a fortune if, ironically he’d been able to stick around long enough to put his knowledge to good use.
2. Anonymous Fit Bird (Doctor Who)
Doctor kidnaps a nobody who subsequently becomes his beck and call girl pandering to his every whim and never gets into trouble with the police – Harold Shipman take note.
1. Spot (Hong Kong Phooey)
Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride. Spot tirelessly nabbed the bad guys while Penry was skimming the pages of his Hong Kong Book of Kung Fu in an effort to ascertain how to deliver the perfect move to disable the assailants who were incidentally taking the piss out of the closet bookworm whilst making good their escape. From the erroneous Hong Kong Roundhouse to the well wide of the mark Phooey Footy ‘n Sweep, with one eye on the spaghetti legged Phooey and one on the Criminals Spot did the job and took no credit for his actions; even when the mindless mutt was receiving the adulation of Mary the Telephone operator or accepting a ticker tape parade for his latest deeds. His only solace was a paw over the eyes and a grumble to himself.
It’s a Black and White Thang
10 May 2006
I went to the Bookies yesterday to pick up my measly winnings for my Season accumulator (Thank you Northampton and Man U).
As I walked into the smoky room I noticed the regulars…
Black Bus Man – so called ‘cos he still wears his Bus Suit despite the fact that he was laid off after a week (Betting Shop folklore tells of the bloke who got a job with Stagecoach purely because he needed a suit to go to his Sons wedding).
Auf Weidersein Pet Tribute Man – Spends all his waking hours at the Shop (he lives next door) but dresses like a bricky. His outfit comes complete with concrete powder stains (I reckon he sprinkles himself with Ready Break before he leaves home) and obligatory pencil behind the ear.
Obese Harry Potter Man – A sure fire winner if ever Daniel Radcliffe needs a stand-in to appear in Celebrity Sumo (a show that I’ve just made up but feel I should copyright if it ever appears on SKY or Challenge TV).
…all looking up at the tiled ceiling from which emanated a small scraping noise.
‘Jim…’ BBM shouted at the owner ‘…get a broom’ (surely he should have asked OHPM I thought to myself)
The broom appeared (it wasn’t a Nimbus 500 much to my displeasure) while I patiently waited to collect my winnings and Jim poked gently at what the trio considered to be a rogue tile.
Now, I’m no faux roof expert, but these tiles have been there ever since I’ve legally been able to gamble, consequently I was pretty anxious about their ability to withhold any sort of tenuous examination. Low and behold one gentle prod from the broom handle proved to be sufficient and the tile broke into two pieces and thudded to the floor as Jim and his loyal clientele gathered around the debris. Through the 3 pairs of legs and 1 single with a prosthetic attachment courtesy of Norwich Union Insurance (Jim didn’t see the Taxi veering onto the pavement towards him until it was too late apparently) on top of the stained tile there was a black and white ball of fur, no bigger than Jim’s stump, it ‘meowed’ and the four blokes gasped and took a step back – an awed hush filled the nicotine enriched air.
1, 2, 3…. Bungee!
I broke it…
‘Looks like Trap 6 has got a clean getaway’ I quipped, pointing at the cat.
The four turned and looked at me (well OHPLM looked at the odds for the Watford –v- Palace game on the wall next to me due to his cross eyes) and AWPTM replied ‘Wot?’
I repeated my reply realising that ‘Richard Pryor’s Big Book of Comedic Timing’ tells you that you should never EVER bother attempting to reiterate a one liner. Predictably I was met with stony silence as the three turned their attention back to the fluffy Everton Mint that led on the floor.
One tastes nice the other is an item of confectionary
Jim realised I’d been waiting for five minutes, hobbled back to the cashier window and handed me my winnings (£12.13p not bad for a 30 quid stake considering my recent well documented run of form) while the trio said things like…
‘RPSCA (sic)’
‘Cat Production (sic) League’
‘Get the focker spaded (sic) and I’ll take it home’
‘…and the Hare’s running in the 12.33 at Nottingham’ were the next words I heard and, inspired by the black and white cat I scribbled out a betting slip and banged my winnings on the favourite at 2/1 hoping that my jocular mention of Trap 6 was a sign from above.
Get me a gun and some of those big screens please
One circuit of the trap was sufficient and Trap 6 came in third beaten by Trap 4 and Trap 3 by 5 lengths. Meanwhile, up in Comedy Heaven Pryor called me a ‘Useless Mother Fucker’.
Pryor in shock as Steve ignores his advice
The Top Ten
09 May 2006
The Top Ten Sport Films
This Top Ten comes courtesy of Lloydy and to be honest I’m suprised regular Top Ten submitters haven’t thought of covering the subject matter sooner. The added bonus that this website gives you with this particular Top Ten is that all the images used come courtesy of Amazon so if you see a reduction (in the form of a % sign) then you know where to go for your purchase. www.steveqpr.co.uk breaking the boundaries of online shopping, another string to our bow!
Great Stuff Rich…
10. Bring It On (2000)
Cheerleaders 
9. When Saturday Comes (1996)
Not the best film ever made by a long way but it makes the list by virtue of the fact that yours truly is in it. Well when I say in it I was behind the goal in the Kop when they filmed Sean Bean’s character scoring the penalty and it went down very well with the crowd who were there to watch the Blades. I can’t remember which game it was but Bean’s many times retaken penalty was memorable.
8. Kingpin (1996)
This film still makes me laugh every time I see it and it marks Bill Murray’s first appearance on this list. Should a comedy about ten pin bowling have made the list? Given I considered entering ‘Waterboy’ I think the resounding answer is yes. Not only a fine comedy but the land lady in lieu of rent sequence is as horrifying as you’ll see in any class horror film. Woody Harrelson deserves an entry as well given ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ isn’t here. Amish bowling gambling rubber hands etc - inspired.
7. Caddyshack (1980)
More comedy which is going to make the purists annoyed but Bill Murray and Chevy Chase ably backed up by Ted Knight and Rodney Dangerfield are at their gopherchasingtastic best as they take a shot at any number of stereotypes and the occasional furry friend. Sadly slightly spoiled by a poor sequel.
6. Cool Runnings (1993)
Eins, zwei, drier, fier and indeed funf as the Jamaican bobsledders hurtle into sixth place on my list. John Candy, in my opinion as fine a comedy actor as the aforementioned Murray, holds the film together as the Jamaican’s crash the Winter Olympics. Sure its a feel good movie but its’ ending fortunately stops short of the team claiming the gold and that’s part of the reason it gets such a high placing.
5. Jerry Maguire (1996)
Yet another pick from the list that isn’t actually based on any actual real life events but obviously draws on them and so we are getting a bit closer! Cruise didn’t make it into the top ten with ‘Days of Thunder’ but his sports agent with new found morals does. The ever brilliant Cuba Gooding Jr makes the film for me and his ‘Show me the Money’ sequence is something that will be quoted for years to come.
4. Any Given Sunday (1999)
In some ways the anti-thesis of Jerry Maguire and as such they should probably be the other way round in the list. However this is by some way the better quality film as you would expect from Oliver Stone. Cameron Diaz is surprisingly good as the hard nosed owner of the Miami Sharks who having recently taken control of the team demands instant success and she is probably helped by Al Pacino and Jamie Foxx in the lead roles ably assisted by Dennis Quaid. Properly realistic sports sequences as you’d expect from the masterly Stone.
3. Raging Bull (1980)
Frankly I’m not a boxing fan and if it hadn’t been for Martin Scorcese’s handling and Robert De Niro’s portrail of Jake la Motta this wouldn’t have made the list at all. Filming it in black and white was a masterstroke and adds to the darkness of the biographical work. Not so much a film about boxing really as one man’s descent into hell in what is often described as De Niro’s best work.
2. Seabiscuit (2003)
Perhaps an odd choice for a film at number 2 especially one that wasn’t particularly well recieved. However based on a true story and I watched it for the first time on the morning of the Grand National last year and instantly fell in love with it. Sea Biscuit, the small rehabilitated horse that may otherwise have been put down as David vs the much bigger War Admiral cast as Goliath. More a story of the jockey (Tobey Maguire) and his horse and their struggle to be accepted away from the East Coast circuits. Given the era of the depression the real life story of Seabiscuit must have given people a lift when they needed it the most. Some fantastic supporting cast and if you haven’t seen this film please do.
1. Escape to Victory (1981)
Whilst researching this piece to check a few facts/figures I came accross some US top 50’s for Sports Films where this wasn’t even included but dis, dis, dis, dis, dis, dis film is fabulous, corny as hell and completely ludicrous but for some unknown reason they managed to pull it off! Stallone as a keeper, the Germans actually going through with something like this, the French crowd not having been machinegunned, Caine playing football, Wark playing football, Stallone as keeper, the use of a substitute - I could go on but then when you see the game itself it is very well constructed with some lovely touches namely Ossie Ardiles’ flick which schoolchildren and adults that should know better have been trying to recreate for the past 25 years. Of course if I’d been there I’d have missed that and Pele’s equaliser as I’d have P*ss off down that tunnel at half time and made good my escape.
Me Myself and I
08 May 2006
‘I don’t want anybody else, When I think about you I touch myself’ - The Divinyls, 1990
Whenever I see Will Self’s emaciated face in the Observer I cringe. If he was anymore conceited he’d appear inside out (a clue to what’s coming incidentally).
Self’s pompous writing style annoys me to the Nth degree – his script is a collection of pretentious prose, over expressive terms and heptasyllabic (I’m claiming that word as my own before Willy gets his scrawny fingers on it) adjectives.
Why he feels obliged to recite the contents of a bloody Thesaurus when a simple ‘and’, ‘it’ or ‘of’ will suffice is beyond me although at the heart of his ‘problem’ there would appear to lurk a dark secret that this website has spent at least 12 minutes attempting to investigate.
The reason for his idiom inferiority? Well, it would appear that Self has undergone a dramatic transformation since the days when he was fighting the combined forces of Anorexia and also Prince Adam of Eternia, more commonly known as He-Man.
One’s on ‘All Bran’, the other’s on ‘All Bollocks’
Yes, you read it here first, Big Willy is a reformed Kids TV performer. He’s come along way from playing Skeletor in the Cult Cartoon Classic. Straight onto our Newspaper’s (he managed to spoil this weeks Observer Sport), Bookshelves (he manages to spoil Waterstones’ Bargain Bin section on a regular basis) and Television’s (According to sources close to this site he’s the second in line behind Germaine Greer as the ‘Have I Got News For You’ substitute).
‘You Will Not Harm Me He-Man Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha’ - Will Self, Skeletor -v- Sherah, Episode XVII 1983
Self’s monosyllabic tones graced our Televisions in the early 1980’s and caused him to lose weight dramatically as he educated his already scrawny frame in an effort to encompass the demanding role. Once his spell as ‘The nations favourite Criminal to appear in a Cartoon which was set in a rock laden wilderness bereft of Guardian Readers and featured a bloke called Ram-Man’ was over Self allowed himself to pour on the pounds to the extent that he was once again able to replace the skin that had been a severe hindrance during his time as a skeletal terrorist. Self also grasped the spoken and written word with his bony little hands, shook off his character’s penchant for threatening one liner’s and immersed himself in the works of Ladybird, Blyton and Roget as inspiration for his attempt at a writing career.
The rest as they say is ‘history’ although Self would use the phraseology ‘…the culmination, as the populace of this immense span of terra firma and oceanic expanse that we call our planet would articulate is established in the annals of time.’
The only other ’star’ that’s been able to prise themselves away from the forum of children’s entertainment and subsequently carve out a successful career for themselves in the world of current affairs has been Trevor Macdonald when he successfully made the smooth transition from the Red Hand Gang to The News at Ten.
Trevor (top left) Red Hand Gang Archives 1977
Karmacoma
07 May 2006
‘Diggin’ the scene, with the Gangster lean’ - Massive Attack, Be Thankful For What You’ve Got 1991
‘Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac
Gangster whitewalls, TV antennas in the back
You may not have a car at all
But remember, brothers and sisters
You can still stand tall
Just be thankful for what you’ve got
Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Diggin’ the scene with a gangster lean
Gangster whitewalls, TV antennas in the back
You may not have a car at all
But remember, brothers and sisters
You can still stand tall
Just be thankful for what you’ve got
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Diggin’ the scene with a gangster lean - ooh
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Diggin’ the scene with a gangster lean - ooh
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Diggin’ the scene with a gangster lean - ooh
Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac
Gangster whitewalls, TV antennas in the back
You may not have a car at all
But remember, brothers and sisters
You can still stand tall…’
A www.steveqpr.co.uk gentlemanly tip - if you can find it (other than by buying the Special edition CD) check out the Video.
Edit
02 May 2006
‘Would you be willing to write us perhaps a 300-word piece before hand and be available for interviews before and after the game itself?’ Reporter, Gloucester Citizen, April 2006
How naïve am I?
To put you out of your misery, the answer to that is ‘extremely’ if the aforementioned paragraph (received via email) and subsequent Citizen article is anything to go by.
For the record the article I submitted is here and although I didn’t expect the photo’s to be used I still think it reads relatively well. Below is the published article after editing…
What the Reporter (note how I’m not using your name Paul Jones) should have emailed me was the following…
‘Would you be willing to submit a 300 word article which will enable me to write a report for the newspaper by extracting a couple of lines from the piece? I’ll do my utmost to make you look like a pretentious tosspot by quoting you out of context and I’ll also attribute some sentences to your name that you haven’t even alluded to.’
‘When the photographer takes your photo I’ll ensure that your house number is visible (despite requests to the contrary) and I’ll also mention that you’re a Gloucester City Fan regardless of the fact that we had a 5 minute conversation about your allegiance to Queens Park Rangers and the fact that I used to live just off the Uxbridge Road.’
Well, this websites brief foray into the world of local newspaper writing has left me feeling pretty demoralized and exploited. Most friends have mentioned
‘…well, that’s the Citizen for you’ although they unfortunately didn’t point this out prior to the article being submitted!
I realised that the picture was always going to be relatively embarrassing (three 30 something blokes whose CV’s don’t include the words ‘handsome’ or ‘photogenic’ were hardly going to set the world alight especially when they’re sharing a page with David Beckham) however I told myself that I’d be willing to accept the humiliation if the written word made it through relatively unscathed. Unfortunately once published my 300 word piece was about as unscathed as ‘Victor’ the sloth bloke in SE7EN and consequently I feel pretty disappointed.
Victor shows his disdain for Citizen editing policy
If I was an avid reader of the local rag I think I might cancel my subscription (YEAH! That’s right, my only solace is that I don’t shell out 35p a day to read it!), as it is I’ll remember to get the journalistic form of a pre-nuptial agreement drawn up should I ever go for a paddle in the editing infested waters of newspaper writing again.