The Top Ten
26 April 2006
‘Being pretentious is utterly pointless unless people can see you doing it. Being seen is everything for the dedicated follower of pretensiousness.’ www.steveqpr.co.uk April 2006
With the above quote in mind I do believe this site is doing Larry a favour - Nice Top Ten though…
The Top Ten Foreign Language Films
10. Tampopo – Japanese
If your idea of a good night in is a pot noodle and a wank then sit back with your mansize and press ‘play’. Curious oddity of a film that contains 2 storylines, neither seemingly connected. Film is noted for it’s scene where a raw egg is given mouth to mouth (no, not like in Casualty).
9. Life is Beautiful – Italian
Italian comedy about the Holocaust. Yes, honestly. It’s funny and sad about the good and the bad. Tear jerker of an ending too.
8. Lift to the Scaffold – French
Director Louis Malle’s debut pic features as part of the French New Wave (no, nothing to do with Plastic Bertrand who was Belgian anyway) of cinema. Thriller shot in black and white about an executive who tries to pull off the perfect murder. Superb soundtrack from Miles Davis adds to the sophisticated style on offer here. ‘Merde She Wrote’ it ain’t.
7. Au Revoir les Enfants - French
Another Louis Malle classic. A Tale of two boys in a rural boarding school during WW2, one in hiding as a Jew. The pointlessness of war, man’s inhumanity to man, it’s all here folks minus the sickly Hollywood OTT treatment. Expect tears.
6. A Short Film About Killing - Polish
Is this the most depressing film ever made? Disturbing, graphic and brutal film by Krzysztof Kieslowski about a troubled teenager who kills a man for no apparent reason- I know we’ve all had days like that (well, not the killing bit , hopefully) but this serves as a chilling reminder of what humans are capable of. Suitable for those who think that harrowing isn’t just a farming term.
5. Delicatessen - French
Superb surreal comedy about a cannaballistic landlord with a rapid turnover of tenants. Who said the French had no sense of humour? I’ve no idea actually, if anyone, indeed. Whatever, this film is a joy and the rubber-faced lead actor would win any Gurneying competition with no problem whatsoever.
4. The Tin Drum - German
Made from the Gunther Grass novel of the same name. Rich in colour and imagery this tells of a small boy who decides to take action to stop himself growing up, all set against the backdrop of the rise of the Third Reich. Metaphors abound of life in general. The film was banned for a long time (I think) and is suitable for chin-strokers everywhere.
3. Il Postino - Italian
Based on a true story of a shy postman on a small island who befriends the exiled poet Pablo Neruda and through him develops his own intellect etc. Thankfully there’s not too much of Neruda’s poetry which is a relief but this is a heart warming gentle voyage of one man’s self-discovery. I think both the actor and director died near the end or just after the film was completed. Expect more tears again.
2. Jean de Florette - French
Magnificent, and fairly well known, film about bitter rivalry and general shenanigans going on in the Provencal countryside. Think Emmerdale with that certain French ‘je ne sais quoi’ style added and you’re still nowhere near it. A morality tale, you can’t beat them can you?
1. Das Boot - German
Quite simply the best film about war ever made, based on the book , equally magnificent, by Gunther-Lothar Buccheim. Life on a German U-boat during WW2, warts and all. If you ever wondered if you were claustrophobic (wasn’t he German?) then this will confirm it. So good you want the Gerries to win - blimey!!!
Scoop
21 April 2006
‘Its coming home, its coming home,
Football’s coming home’ Baddiel and Skinner, Wembley 1996
During the latter rounds of Euro 96 German fans adopted the Skinner and Baddiel anthem as their own. Ten years on the prophecy is coming close to fruition. Starting on the 9th June 2006 Germany will host their first World Cup as a nation undivided. The last time World Football paid a visit was in 1974 where two German teams competed against each other representing either sides of the Berlin Wall. For the historians amongst you the hosts, West Germany beat Johann Cruyff and the Dutch ‘total football’ team in the final by the odd goal in 3.
The ‘Cruyff’ and the ‘U’ - both turns take skill and expertise
England play their first game in this years competition against Paraguay in Frankfurt the day after the opening game and our travelling trio’s flights, accommodation and train tickets were booked months ago despite the fact that our respective application’s to obtain tickets were predictably rejected by FIFA - ‘oversubscribed’ is not a word purely consigned to this nations hospital beds it would appear. There are some tickets left for the game, however it was decided that 1500 quid for a hospitality package was rather steep, in fact we widely agreed that we’d want a place in Sven’s 22 if we were going to expend that amount of cash - let’s face it, if David James can get in any clown can.
Krusty and David - one can juggle the other can’t catch
My eagerness to attend a Country in the grip of World Cup enthusiasm is not at its’ most irritating as yet (according to my ever so understanding wife) however I am looking forward to being received by a nation that has made a promise to welcome football fans from all over the globe despite the fact that the majority of them have been unable to obtain tickets to the games as corporate greed once again plays its’ trump card.
Gazza visibly upset as he receive’s the ‘oversubscribed’ email
I would expect most England fans travelling to Frankfurt for the Paraguay game are looking forward to experiencing some traditional German fare, Kartoffelknoedel with a slice of Sauerbraten for instance (or alternatively anything with chips), a cold beer and an unobscured view of a large wide screen TV at a Pub within earshot of the brand new Waldstadion Stadium - Come on FIFA, it’s not too much to ask is it!?
‘Its coming home, its coming home,
Fussball’s coming home’ German Fans, Wembley 1996
Poo Sticks
17 April 2006
‘I’m sorry John but there’s no easy way to clean Shep’s shit off the Blue Peter Garden’ - Percy Thrower, BBC1 1976
In 2 weeks of dog ownership I’ve tried 3 different methods…
1. The Trowel…
Purchased on a whim from B and Q many moons ago little did the light blue trowel know that its sole purpose in life was gonna be to prop the shed door open on windy days. Hidden in the back of the shed for years and covered in cobwebs it reappeared after I decided that it could be an ideal implement for Dog Dirt Dismissal - It wasn’t. It’s too sharp and consequently bisects a runny ‘un and it digs the garden up when your trying to remove the smaller pebbles.
www.steveqpr.co.uk rating - 1/5
2. Bob Martin Sacs Poop Scoop…
‘Pour se debarrasser facilement et de facon hygenique des dejectios canines’
Turn the mini bin liner inside out, put your hand in it and grab the Shit. Putting the instructions ‘en francais’ doesn’t make the bloody job any more glamourous Bob me old mucker. These were given to us by a friendly fellow dog owner (how could she tell that Rosie was gonna be a crapping machine?) and frankly (if you’ll pardon the pun) they’re crap. The bags are about the size of a postage stamp and could just about manage a rabbit currant. If you’ve ever seen a puppy turn one out after 3 feeds and some contraband cat food then you’ll realise that this option is a non starter.
www.steveqpr.co.uk rating - 3/5
3. The Kitchen Roll/Plastic Bag Combo
My preferred method but I decided to give option 2 a go as they were freebies. Use too much Kitchen roll and you lose your sense of touch and consequently pick up a few blades of grass and a tiny poo portion (for this reason stay away from triple quilted products). Use too little and you get everyones worse nightmare ‘Poo Paper Palm’ so called ‘cos the detritus penetrates through the thin quilted layer and sticks to your hand. Get it just right and the results are superb (They don’t call it a Poo Mirage for nothing), nothing on the grass and a clump of Kitchen Roll in the bottom of your carrier bag.
www.steveqpr.co.uk rating - 4/5
The Top Ten
14 April 2006
Possibly one of the more contentious Top Tens that this site has produced. I realise that not all tastes will be catered for so expect a certain amount of criticism (although if someone asks why Prisoner Cell Block H ‘On The Inside’ isn’t included they’ll get a virtual kick in the goolies). That said, the new ‘Top Ten’ Rule is that if you think of the subject matter and submit it to the site then your submission is the definitive Ten. To use a Hitler goolie reference… ‘It’s my ball and I make the Rules’ *
* Rules subject to change at anytime.
The Top Ten TV Theme Tunes
10. Diff’rent Strokes
‘A Man is born, he’s a Man of means.
Then along come two, they got nothing but their jeans.’
Happy Days had Mr C, Diff’rent Strokes had Mr. D (These American script writers use their imagination don’t they!), a rich bloke who lived in a penthouse apartment with 3 kids and a mental housekeeper. We never got to see The Gooch who was the only ‘villain’ in the whole series. This theme tune gets in purely because of the soulful end to the song - a deep meaningful ‘Ooooooh’ brought you every week by a Rick Astley soundalike.
9. BBC Cricket
‘Soul Limbo’
STAX (Booker T and the MG’s record label) had a deal with Atlantic Records to distribute their recordings and with this coming to an end there was a lot of activity by the latter to release as much of their product as possible. Consequently it was said that STAX was in ‘limbo’ and Booker T and the Boys put together one of their finest instrumental Albums using the Caribbean flavoured title track as a first release.
Rumour has it that despite the track playing at 180bpm Malcolm Marshall’s stride pattern was still quicker than the cricketing anthem.
8. Catch the Pigeon
‘Nab him, Jab him, Tab him, Grab him, Stop that pigeon Nooooow’
Superb slapstick song that would’ve been given a much higher position in this Top Ten if the above lyrics would’ve been preceded by Dick Dastardly saying ‘For Focks Sake…’ and then followed at the end of the lyrics by ‘…you Incompetent Twats’.
7. Match Of The Day
‘Da da-da da da-da da da-da
Da da da-da da da’
The longest running show in our Top Ten, Barry Stoller’s theme tune specifically written for the show has undergone little transformation since it’s introduction in 1968 – Jimmy Hill wrote the above mentioned lyrics, ‘nuff said.
6. Laverne and Shirley
‘One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.’
Upbeat, Uptempo, Feel good song with a groovy dance that Laverne and Shirley perfected in the opening credits – dunno who it was sung by but there was a distinct Motown feel about it although I doubt it would have come from Detroit as Berry Gordy was far too busy trying to shag Diana Ross during the airing of the first series.
‘Yes Laverne I am Gonna Make My Dreams Come True’ my Mum shouted at the top of her voice as the curtain fell on the final episode. She got to her feet gave my Dad an icey glare and turned the tele over to watch Meg Mortimer and Sandy Richardson.
5. Hong Kong Phooey
‘He’s got style Phooey style and a car that just won’t stop’
A Hanna Barbera classic which pips Captain Caveman for a place in the top ten. Phooey’s car was the only one that I’m aware of that had an Arabian style Marquee roof – Jeremy Clarkson once said of the vehicle that it was… ‘Shite in the rain but superb if you were catering a celebrity wedding’
4. Hawaii Five-O
No lyrics but a booming beat that heralded a new trend in music at the time. Now more commonly known as Drum and Bass, if there was no Jack Lord or Steve McGarret then Goldie would have his own teeth instead of a gob full of Gerald Ratner cast offs and be working as a shoe shine boy in Peckham Market.
3. Danger Mouse
‘He’s the Greatest, He’s Fantastic, Wherever there is Danger he’ll be there’
As soon as David Jason’s whiny tones filled the living room I sat down crossed legged, 2 feet from the screen screaming at Dad to get out of the way and waited with baited breath for the lyrics to tell us that ‘Danger Mouse’ was a ‘PowerHouse’. I would have happily played Penfold allowing whining fatty Terry Scott to age gracefully with on screen wife and old biddy June Whifield. John Squier the Stone Roses guitarist worked on the music for this entry which gives it added cache.
2. Hill Street Blues
‘Roll Call 6.49am’
Just before seven in the morning and Sargeant Esterhaus called the roll call which covered random subject matter including whether or not Officers could catch any antisocial diseases from the Station toilet seats to whether or not Captain Furillo was doing the business with public legal rep Joyce Davenport (a very fit Veronica Hamel), once that was over our screens gave way to the cold, icey streets and sliding cop cars of an anonymous American City while Michael Post’s piano enchanted us – it made you want to be a part of Shitsville USA.
‘Hey, let’s be careful out there’
1. Monkey
‘Born from an egg on a mountain top,
The punkiest monkey that ever popped.
He knew every magic trick under the sun,
To tease the Gods and everyone and have some fun’
As soon as that egg exploded and the shrill Scream of ‘Monkeeeeeey, Monkeeeeeey’ pierced your ears you were captivated. 100 mile an hour keyboards, 1000 bpm drums and quality lyrics – the 2 reasons for watching the series was for Tripitaka (Fit bald bird or bloke using lashings of Oil of Ulay?) and the music provided by cult japanese band Godiego
DIY Gaming
13 April 2006
Boundary Breaking. Educational. Informative. Enlightening. Money Saving. Pants. The aforemementioned expressions are all words that can be used to describe the content of this site. If more than 3 people read the material it might be worth persevering with…
Anyway, DIY Gaming…
What you’ll need…
1 Roll of Gaffa Tape
1 Broom Stick
1 Corkscrew (large)
6 foot of Twine
1 Cork
1 Tennis ball
2 x Frying Pans
2 x willing participants
Instructions…
1. Take Broom Stick and fasten Corkscrew to one end using Gaffa Tape.
2. Tie a small bow at one end of the Twine.
3. Loop small bow over protruding end of Corkscrew.
4. Spiral bow down Corkscrew allowing it to settle halfway down the object.
5. Place cork at the protruding end of the corkscrew to prevent loop from detaching itself from it.
6. Secure the Tennis Ball to the other end of the twine using oodles of Gaffa Tape.
7. Fix non corkscrew end of broom approximately 6 inches into soft ground.
8. Allocate frying pans to ‘willing participants’.
9. Instruct participants to stand approximately 8 feet away from each other with erect broom bisecting their respective postions.
10. Raise frying pans in ‘ready’ pose.
11. One participant to take hanging Tennis Ball in hand and batter it with frying pan Roscoe Tanner style.
‘A Tanner serve could take your Bollox off’ - Dan Maskell, BBC1 1977
Hey Presto – DIY Swingball…
No, Down, Sit, Stay, No
11 April 2006
‘Just took it back, is all. Awful tired now, Boss. Dog tired.’ - John Coffey, The Green Mile
I know that owning a pet is a massive task and not a decision to be taken lightly however the sense of responsibility that has become apparent with dog ownership has left me dumbfounded. I’ve owned a Springer Spaniel before but had forgotten (or did I just absolve all responsibility?) how much upheavel to the household these dogs bring. I’ve managed to dig up a picture of my old dog Beccy which I’ll post here purely for old times sake. This is when we picked her up and must’ve been taken in 1982 or 1983 so you’ll have to excuse the quality I’m afraid…
Don’t get me wrong the decision to let a canine enter the www.steveqpr.co.uk household wasn’t an impromptu decision. Admittedly I’d been whining (like our new acquisition after being left on her own for a nanosecond ironically) on to Len for ages about getting another Springer Spaniel but when push came to shove and the opportunity arose we sat down together and discussed the subject for a very long time like adults should (well, through the advert breaks of The Simpsons at least) before coming to a conclusion regarding whether we should have her or not.
We picked Rosie up on Friday the 30th March and like Richard Branson during one of his failed round the world record attempts our feet haven’t touched the ground for a week. We’ve gone through more newspapers than a hobo who wets his bed and despite our attempts at house training, the phrase ‘Poo on the floor’ isn’t restricted to Winnie’s fans when he starts to break dance at the annual Hundred Acre Wood Hip Hop Jamboree I’m sad to say.
Pooh - Adept at ‘Busting One Out’ on the floor
Still it is getting better and we’ve managed to leave her in the house alone without upsetting…
A. The neighbours
B. Betty (our cat)
C. Each other
D. My large collection of CD’s that quietly sit in two IKEA Benno CD Towers waiting to be partially devoured.
Springer Spaniel + (IKEA CD Storage Unit x 2) = Twin Tower Disaster?