He’s my Secret Santa
21 December 2005
Born in the mid 70’s in what most consider to be the dawn of Punk (some ardent fans feel that he should be credited with it given his musical talent) Bobby C real name Rupert Theopolophodus III was always going to be a mover and shaker in whatever avenue of expertise he decided to pursue. Not too many pictures exist of Rupert Jnr although here he can be seen in a picture released by the Metropolitan Anti Terrorist Unit during 1982 after his encounter with Jerry Adams, Shergar and a faction of the Argentine military junta.
Rupert’s photofit - note the likeness in the eyes and ears
During his foray into the dark underbelly of organised crime and terrorism Rupert met a young white kid named Robert Van Winkle who was ploughing his own furrow using rap, rhyme and ransom in equal proportions as a Criminal Tool. It was here that teenage Rupert was given his street name by Winkle and became known as ‘Bobby Cool’ (later shortened to ‘Bobby C’) with Winkle taking the moniker ‘Vanilla’. The two of them joined forces and began a kidnapping spree that terrified Parents in the State of Illinois.
Vanilla and Bobby pictured with the Bush Cheney Kid who was held for a 4 million dollar ransom
Below is a leaked copy of a ransom note that was one of the many notes that was sent by the Criminal Linguistic Masterminds…
EVIDENCE # 34563 Chicago Police 11/24/1989
You don’t know what we did,
How we’re gonna F*ck up your kid.
The whole of the Windy City will hear young Corey’s Hollers,
If you don’t send us One Million Dollars.
In a Lidl Bag, delivered by Eight,
Unmarked Bills don’t be late.
If you refuse to pay there’s gonna be a kafuffle,
Vanilla and Bobby C with his enormous Duffle.
Word.
The pair generated frenzied media interest during the 90’s resulting in the nickname ‘The Kidrappers’ and it is believed they had this moniker tattooed on their respective manhood’s although there are unconfirmed rumours that Bobby only has ‘k-rap’ on his 3 ½ inches.
Bobby Cool in his street wear just after getting the tattoo done
Things took a turn for the worst when ‘Vanilla’ was discovered by Def Jam recordings and discovered success overnight with the hit song ‘Ice Ice Baby’ the song (which was written by Bobby C) tells the story of the kidnap of a 2 year old boy who was found in the frozen food section of a local Sainsburys after the ransom was paid.
The strain on the relationship finally became too much when Vanilla starred in a movie chronicling their life together. ‘Cool as Ice’ was shown in the Illinois and the Northern United States areas and caused a bad tempered split between the pair. The Director (a young Quentin Tarantino) refused to cast Bobby as himself and the honour was given to ‘Scream’ and ‘Baywatch’ actress Neve Campbell.
Cool as Ice but Bobby wouldn’t get a part in the Film Flop
Performing arts magazine ‘Stage’ ran an article regarding the snub which contained numerous unauthorised quotes from Tarantino mentioning that the ‘C Man’ needed ‘more screen presence’ and required ‘bigger baps’ to land the role. Tarantino was also credited with the quote ‘He’s a right talentless shite’ although this statement could come from many that know him.
Bobby C was distraught and went into hiding, eating fast food (a trait that still lasts to this day) and drinking excessively (a trait that still lasts to this day).
After emerging from a drunken stupor during the early 21st century Bobby used some of his ill gotten gains to change his identity with the use of Plastic Surgery and subsequently immersed himself in the work of High Street Crime Enforcement forging a bond with street traders that lasts to the present day. Wearing his trademark coat that has been with him from the early pre-crime years and using his no nonsense approach he now ploughs a lone furrow in the world of Consumer Fraud.
The new and improved Bobby Cool – HIGH STREET ENFORCER
As a footnote, while writing this article I received several quotes relating to him that I decided to place at the end of the article as a tribute to the man that is Bobby C…
‘He’s crazy like a fool, What about it Bobby Cool. Bobby, Bobby Cool. Bobby, Bobby Cool’ – Mr T feat. Boney M
‘Nob Jockey’ - ‘Mr J S Ainsbury
‘You love me, You’re my Matey. Please Bobby Impregnate me’ – Miranda Cool (eBay trader)
‘Just ‘cos he’s thinning on top he’s got a grudge against us’ – Electrical Hair Products Association
‘He’s never had a Good Hair Day in his life’ – V. Sassoon
Drugged up on Benylin
20 December 2005
I’ve been thinking…
When you’re asked what sound a cat makes what do you say?
What about a cow?
If you answered ‘meow’ and ‘moo’ then you’d be wrong (in whatever order you put them in). My cat doesn’t ‘meow’ and although I don’t own a cow I’ve never heard one go ‘moo’.
Cats go ‘eeeooow’ (especially when they’re riding motorbikes) and cows let out an extremely low decibel ‘oooow’.
Who the bloody hell added the ‘M’ in front of those two?
Are you taking the piss?
My cat hasn’t even got any lips to purse so how is she gonna even manufacture the letter ‘M’ from her chops let alone add it to a sound that it seems that she involuntarily produces every quarter of an hour?
If you were asked a similar question about a horse you wouldn’t say ‘nay’ you’d go into some elaborately planned black beauty type lingo and reverberate your lips about a bit like pasty skinned Arsenal wet blanket Robert Pires after he’s dived (again) and received a yellow card (Rumour has it the Pires’ horse impression is only bettered by Dion Dublin’s in the whole of the football league).
I can see what you did with dogs. Although they actually go ‘Uff’ adding an ‘R’ into the equation is just about acceptable as they can sometimes look like they’re planning an ‘R’ prior to their bark.
It does appear however that you’ve done the same with lions/tigers/leopards. They possess a gravely ‘oaaaarrrr’ (a bit like a Gloucestershire Woodbine addict) but you just had to precede their sound with yet another consonant. You didn’t even bother with an original one, you shamelessly gave them the same letter as a dog - Why didn’t you try a ‘B’ (Big wave on the River Severn) or ‘C’ (one of the fit sisters from the pop group of the same name), or even an ‘H’ (25 quid for 15 minutes and a tenner every 5 minutes after that).
I blame Rex Harrison, he’s obviously got a speech impediment. Somewhere between Rex and Doctor Snuggles things have gone awfully pear shaped when it comes to Animal Lingo Pronunciation.
Skool Daze
13 December 2005
Why oh Why oh Why couldn’t the BBC nor the ITV time their schools programme schedule correctly in the 70’s?
Why did the BBC have those blobs placed in a circle that disappeared every 2 seconds ’til it was time for ‘Maths in a Box’ to start? Mr Boulton used to get his hanky out and rub them off as they left the screen, it got pretty monotonous after a while, we used to pray for ‘You and Me’ to be on time for once so we didn’t have to watch him get his snot rag out and rub it all over the TV. It could really spoil your viewing pleasure when there was an almighty streak across the picture.
The teachers lied to us under severe questioning too. They said there was a countdown for Schools programmes ‘cos if they wanted to videotape it, then if the video’s timer was slightly out they wouldn’t miss the start. That was bollocks, you only had to look at some of them to realise that the closest they came to being able to programme a Video Recorder was by using the end of a paperclip to set the time on their Casio’s.
Mrs Wiggle was my first Junior school teacher, she was HUGE and used to take her shoes off in class. Her feet looked like 2 big big bean bags sticking from underneath her desk - I wonder if she still teaches and does this? Her classroom would be seriously cool and have an art d’eco feel about it if she still got her plates out during lessons.
Mr Jones was Welsh and, in hindsight bore an uncanny resemblance to Patrick Stewart. His responsibility was to blow a whistle to signify the end of playtime (Mr. Jones’ responsibility not Patrick’s. Patrick, i believe is responsible for the USS Enterprise AND the X-Men - Talk about broad shoulders!). Jonesy’s party trick came out once or if you were really lucky twice a week. He’d walk to the middle of the playground, fill his lungs with Cotswold air (if you want some I’ll bottle it for 99p + P&P) and let out a 20 second long shrill on his whistle. In the Winter after an elongated blow he sometimes had to be helped in by the Dinner Ladies ‘cos he was an old boy and the cold air used to get to his lungs.
Mr Lewis and a few of the supply teachers used to watch Jonesey in silenced awe when he decided to go for the prolonged peep. Lewis once said that no other man on earth could blow a whistle for as long as Mr Jones. He’d obviously never seen Rob Styles referee a Rangers game.
S’not Cricket
12 December 2005
I’ve just seen two adverts on the TV that have left me speechless…
1. ‘Tap it and Whack It’ - Terrys have advocated physical abuse on there helpless Chocolate Orange - for the younger viewers out there it used to be a less violent (and more in keeping with the Christmas period I would suggest) ‘tap it, unwrap it’.
2. ‘When you’re feeling blocked up it’s not the snot in your nasal passages that does the damage…’ - Sudafed go for the lowest common denomenator in explaining a blocked up nose.
Whatever next?
Andrex - Soft Strong and very, very good at wiping up even the biggest of poos
Guinness is good for you. Especially if you fancy getting bladdered and then crapping coal
Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet the mild cancer inducer from Benson and Hedges
Beanz Meanz Fartz
Vorsprung durch technik. Our product is so pretentious we can’t even be bothered using a suitable language for the British viewer
That’s all I can come up with in the limited time available to me this evening - I still can’t believe I heard the word ’snot’ just as I was about to stick a fork full of veg in my mouth. That’ll serve me right for sticking to my working class roots and watching the TV whilst eating my tea.
Big Willie Style
11 December 2005
Johnny Cash Live at San Quentin is for those of you who don’t know much about it (or him) an album recorded in 1969 Live at San Quentin Prison where Cash played a concert in front of a crowd of rowdy inmates - without wanting to go into a review of the album it is probably one of the grittiest records I own, where you really do get a feeling of the excitement, angst and emotion that eminates from the uniqueness of Cash’s audience.
One of the tracks that Cash performs is ‘(a) Boy Named Sue’ which is a humourous track based on a boy who was called Sue by his Dad just before he left child and Mother to fend for themselves. Whilst the track itself leans to being a novelty song it still has the ‘Cash Stamp’ by having a rawness and edgyness to it - when Sue meets his Father for the first time a bar brawl ensues and Sue has his ear cut off with a knife and subsequently pulls a gun. It was first performed at the San Quentin gig where Cash had to read the lyrics from a piece of paper.
Country Music has always been at the forefront of producing these novelty type tracks (you can forget about the crap that the Baron Knights churn out!), Ray Stevens made a career out of ‘The Streak’, ‘Bridget The Midget’ and songs of similar nature. Listening to ‘Boy Named Sue’ this morning however reminded me of another one of these songs, one that we heard when tuning into one of the many Country Music Stations whilst driving across Tennessee last year. I think it could well be the definitive novelty tune.
The song was called ‘Don’t Touch My Willie’ by an artist named Kevin Fowler, I decided today to look up the lyrics and was reminded of what caused so much merryment on our journey to Memphis…
She showed up at my house at half past nine
In a low-cut dress with a bottle of wine
She said this will be a night you won’t forget
She poured us some drinks to get us into the mood
I reached for the lights, she reached for my tunes
She pulled out that Red Headed Stranger, I stood up and said
Don’t touch my Willie
I don’t know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don’t know what you heard
I ain’t that kind of guy
Yeah so don’t touch my Willie,
We’ll get a long just fine
She said she never met a man like me in her life
Who wouldn’t share his Willie on the very first night
I said it’s nothing personal, don’t take it so hard
I don’t pull out my Willie for just anyone
There’s a lot of other records that you can choose from
So let me make myself clear before you go too far
Don’t touch my Willie
I don’t know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don’t know what you heard
I ain’t that kind of guy
Yeah so don’t touch my Willie,
We’ll get a long just fine
Keep your hands off my Willie,
We’ll get along just fine
You’ve just gotta love Willie Nelson.
Glawstur
10 December 2005
Editors Note - To avoid todays diary entry receiving an 18 certificate, I have taken the liberty of using the Fruits Of The World database as a point of reference and have substituted some of the more industrial words with those contained in that site…
We went out for some lunch today and settled down in a quiet country pub about 6 miles outside Gloucester. We wanted to have a bit of privacy so instead of sitting in the small greenhouse overlooking the rolling hills we opted for a little cubby hole next to a Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor themed Fruit Machine and a small pool table that had seen better days.
A fire roared, we sat back with our drinks and our piping hot meal arrived on plates the size of the Arnie’s pectorals. It was then that we were able to wind down and relax after a morning’s Christmas shopping at Toys R Us.
As I tucked in there was still a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Why was there a beaten up Escort with a ‘Babby (sic) on Board’ sticker parked parallel across the 2 disabled spaces of the car park?
And then it happened…
‘Quince me Sam, this pool table is a Giant Lau Lau-ing quid, it’s 50p down the Rugby Club’, she was no more then 14 and had a T-Shirt on that simply said ‘Babe’. It was like me wearing a ‘Lesbian and proud of it’ Sweatshirt. Sam responed with ‘Yeah, it’s a roight Pomegranater innit’
‘Daaaaaaaaaaad - give us a Berry-ing quid’ Dad came around the corner, that is to say his belly appeared, it was like watching a train come out of a tunnel, you just didn’t know where it was going to end. When the rest of his body finally caught up with him. ‘Dad’ fumbled in his pockets and said ‘I’ve only got Sausage Tree-ing shrapnel, go and ask your Polynesian Chestnutt-ing Mother’.
‘Muuuuuuuuum - give us a Horse Mango-ing quid’ there was a pause and then Mum appeared, fag in mouth, jogging bottoms on, Pint of warm Woodpecker in hand. She fumbled in her purse ‘Eere y’ar luvver’. The pool balls trundled out towards their escape hatch and were placed in the triangle while smoke and fruits of the forest filled the air in equal quantities.
Little did we know that the second wave were lurking around the corner…
‘Dada, Da, Da, Da, Dada, Da Oi’ve gots the POWER - I Nutmeg-ing Luurve Phil Taylor me.’ A neanderthal in Levis broke into rapturous song as he spotted the Fruit Machine. He approached it slowly, with purpose, a mad glint in his eye (and a nervous twitch in the other) and placed his hands on either side of it in a similar way the Roger Daltry might approach a Pinball Machine. ‘LO-RR-AINE, give us an apricot-ing quid’ Lorraine appeared. She carried, two kids (one in a child seat that looked like it came from a Model T Ford), a handbag, 3 coats, a cigarette (she’d have refered to it as a ‘Faaag’), a pint of Cider and a large holdall (a sherpa would’ve crumpled under the weight) and replied ‘Ang on a Chinese Strawberry-ing minute’. There was, not suprisingly a hint of resentment in her voice.
Phil ‘The Power’ was then treated to a torrent of abuse usually reserved for him when he beats the crowd favourite at the Lakeside. There were a couple of gems…
‘Nudge! Nudge! Nudge you Wonderberry-ing piece of Brazilian Guava crap’
‘2 more numbers to get the Yellow Mombin special feature’
‘Higher! Higher than a 3? Awww Jujube a Monkey Pepper-ing 1′
‘Blue Lilly Pully‘
Even Sid Waddell would’ve been left speechless by their actions - It was a figgin embarrassment.
Ra Ra Ra Ra Razzmataz
09 December 2005
How to make the perfect World Cup Draw
Ingredients
3 men
1 black suit with white shirt and black bow tie (shoes/socks/underwear are a given!)
1 pair of spectacles
2 moth eaten shirts and matching tie’s, dustcoats and trilby hats (’maybe leather and studs is where you’re at’ c. Wham! circa 1983)
2 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale
1 Bottle Opener
32 strips of paper
1 pint glass (preferably a sleever)
1 Pencil (sharpened)
1 Lined piece of A4 paper
Ted Lowe and BBC Radio
Method
1. Dress ‘Man 1′ in Black Suit, shirt, bow tie and spectacles - he is now the ‘adjudicator’, if things go tits up, he gets the blame
2. Give remaining clothing to ‘Man 2′ and ‘Man 3′, assure dustcoats are buttoned up correctly - these two men are now the ‘callers’
3. Give bottle opener and bottles of Newcastle Brown to the ‘callers’ to keep them entertained while steps ‘3′, ‘4′, ‘5′, ‘6′, ‘7′ and ‘8′ take place
4. Adjudicator to write down the name of 1 qualified team on each of the 32 pieces of paper - no team name shall be repeated.
5. Adjudicator to scrunch up strips so that there are 32 tiny little balls of paper remaining
6. Adjudicator to place balls of paper in pint glass
7. Adjudicator to shake pint glass for 4 seconds ensuring that he places his hand over the top of it to prevent ball spillage
8. Adjudicator to place pint glass in front of ‘callers’
9. Adjudicator to remove and recycle empty bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale
10. Adjudicator to pick up pencil in one hand and place paper in convenient place to ensure good copy is taken
11. Ted Lowe on Radio 5 introduces ‘The World Cup Draw, Live from Market Harborough Sports and Social Club’ in his trademark hushed tone
12. Adjudicator to instruct callers to pick paper balls in turn, one by one from pint glass unwrapping them and reading out the name of the teams consecutively
13 Adjudicator to write down teams chronologically in 8 different sections on A4 paper using pen provided
14 Ted Lowe to utter stifled cries of ‘ooh’, ‘ahh’ and ‘For those of you listening in black and white Paraguay is just above Argentina’
Anything’s better then the dross served up by FIFA tonight on BBC2.
That’ll catch on
08 December 2005
Channel 4 Office circa 1990…
Terry - There’s this sport where a load of blokes dressed in 1970’s football gear bound around on the balls of their feet in a court no bigger than my front room…
Chief Commissioner of Programmes for Channel 4 - Are you OK Terry?
Terry - Hear me out, Hear me out. There’s 2 teams in this court and they’re split by a white line, a boundary if you will. The aim is to get all the members of the opposition out of their area and in turn out of the game.
Chief - And how do they go about this Terry?
Terry - Well, and this is the bit you’ll love CJ, they try and capture…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - a member of the opposition…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - By waiting ’til he comes into their area to tag them…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - All the while…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - The opponent, or ‘Raider’ as he is referrred to in the game is in their area…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - He’s gotta hold his breath…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - If he tags an opponent and returns to his side of the court without taking a breath, they’re out of the game
Chief - Yes?
Terry - If he gets caught, then his opponent’s must hold him until he takes a breath or dies of suffocation
Chief - Yes?
Terry - While all of this is going on…
Chief - Yes?
Terry - The Raider, whilst holding his breath…
Chief - YES?
Terry - Has to shout a certain word…
Chief - What’s the word Terry, WHAT’S THE WORD?
Terry - Kabaddi
Chief - Ka-whatti?
Terry - Kabaddi
Chief - Kabaddi?
Terry - Yep.
a moments silence…
Chief - Bollocks, I like it, I’ll commission it for two years, tell the Indians we’ll pay them exactly the same as we paid the Yanks for that Grid Iron Crap. Our viewers are muppets they’ll watch anything.
And I did, for two years I watched the might of the West Bengal Police, Punjab and Faritjapor play each other on sandpit surfaces, their feet baking in the sun. A crowd of no more than 12 invariably watched on from a couple of benches as these poor Indian blokes danced about for their entertainment - If any Westerners had have been watching they’d have chucked ‘em a couple of quid, a pair of socks and a sun hat. These blokes sweated, danced, cajoled and competed, playing their hearts out ’til there was nothing more to give. It was compelling viewing for those that decided to tune in.
How much time have I wasted watching sport over the years? Answer - None. Any sport that two or more people believe is worth participating in is invariably worth a few minutes of my time.
Kabaddi - It was so crap not even Sky decided to take it on.
Mutley in my artex
07 December 2005
Michael Angelo’s ‘Sistene Chapel’
Leonardo Da Vinci’s ‘Mona Lisa’
Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’
Edward Munch’s ‘The Scream’
The bloke that artexed my ceiling ‘Mutley’
Am I the only one that lies in bed and looks up to see random pictures in the artex? Are they put there by accident? Do decorators go on a City and Guilds course to enable them to do it? Are there subliminal messages hidden within the ceilings of your house too? Is the word Artex really a secret painters and decorators code for Art Expressionism? Today I shall attempt to answer these questions.
Extract taken from the book ‘The Artex Vortex - From Wimpy Homes to Youth Club Walls’ by Basil Smitherton-Pollock…
‘The most popular images in artex are parrotts beaks and birds heads, this type of subject matter is an artexer’s bread and butter, the sort of thing that an artexee on a YOP Scheme can knock up in a matter of seconds hence the expression ‘Aviary Artexing’ which is widely used for a Trainee’s work.
With experience comes confidence, and the courage to broaden the artistic horizons. Abstractex, cartoonex, expressionismex, impressionismex, realismex, and surrealismex are all terms used by the Artex Special Society (A.S.S.) to define a members style.
A.S.S. members prefer anonymity and leave their work unsigned, safe in the knowledge that their art will be appreciated and pondered over for years to come.’
For those of you who doubt aforementioned text I’ll point you to a fact that few people are aware of. Prior to his more famous work Michael Angelo worked for the Spanish Television version of DIY SOS where he was known as Los Ripplos Fantasticos. It’s also a lesser known fact that Angelo wanted to do the Sistene Chapel in his preferred style only for it to be poo poo’d by Chapel Luminaries who wanted a bit of colour and pazazz - They didn’t know what they were missing.
‘Mutley is perfectly formed, from his chattering teeth right down to his flying hat and goggles, no detail is left untouched. It is the work of an A.S.S. genius ‘ - Basil Smitherton-Pollock following one of his very rare home visits.
BLOG
06 December 2005
0650 - Alarm went off, I snoozed it
0655 - Alarm went off, I snoozed it
0657 - Wife mumbles ‘wake me at quarter to 3′, I assume she has the day off
0700 - Alarm goes off, I snooze it, wife mumbles ‘hand, bum, roast’ I assume she’s warm and take all the covers off her
0701 - Whilst retrieving her half of the duvet Wife shouts ‘Make me a cup of tea’, ‘And some toast’. Her previous requests become clear
0705 - Go downstairs, step in cat poo, break world record for sliding across laminate flooring without a run up (8 feet 4″), Bob Beaman would be proud of me
0706 - wipe poo off foot with hand, make wife’s breakfast
0715 - Wife in a huff as she said her ‘toast tastes funny’, I jump in the shower and get the cat crap from under my nails with her loofah
0745 - Leave for work
0800 - In work Get kettle on
0803 - Tea
0930 - Contact Norris Mcwhirter at Guinness, to inform him of my record breaking distance. Norris not in although his secretary Doris is - I’m put on hold, ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ plays as I wait
0940 - Still on hold
0950 - Still on hold
1000 - Still on hold, it takes 29 minutes to sharpen a brand new pencil to it’s nib using a standard issue Shaefer pencil sharpener
1010 - Still on hold, Order ‘Girl form Ipanema’ ringtone for my mobile
1020 - Still on hold, ‘Stan Getz Plays The Girl from Ipanema’ 8.99 from Amazon, buy two copies, one for the car and one for home
1030 - Informed by Doris that she needs a ruling on my alleged record breaking slide, she will call me back. Whilst on the line I ask if I can also register an attempt at the World Record for hanging on the telephone, Doris makes copious notes and says she’ll ‘look into it’
1035 - Tea
1055 - Rudely interrupted by ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ ringtone blaring on my mobile halfway through my tea break, it’s Doris, I inform her that I am otherwise engaged and I will call her back
1140 - Call Doris, get straight through after telling receptionist that I’m Doris’ husband and I’ve got bad news about her Brother. Doris (quite irritably I thought) says that the Hanging on the Telephone record is held by a lady called Deborah Harry from the USA. She is still waiting for the Laminate Floor Slide Ruling. I bid her good day and ask her not to call between 12 and 2 as I will be at Lunch
1145 - Photocopier knackered, vow to never use office equipment for the Jigsaw Club newsletter
1155 - Inform Admin Officer of malfunctioning photocopier
1200 - Lunch
1400 - Check Emails, Surf Internet
1430 - Fill in timesheet up to and including March 2008, for the last half an hour I have been ‘Computer Literacy Training’
1445 - Photocopier still knackered, formal complaint placed with Office Complaints Manager about the lack of support from the Admin Section
1447 - Informed by Office Complaints Manager that my flies are undone. Rupert The Bear Y-Fronts have been on view all morning, I withdraw my complaint on the basis that she won’t inform anyone of my indisgretion, she agrees with a wink and a snigger
1455 - Tea
1456 - Everyone in Staff Canteen singing ‘Rupert, Rupert The Bear, Everyone knows his name’, I don’t think this is a coincidence
1530 - Approached by the deaf Office Receptionist saying that she has a ‘Horace from Minnie’s Girl Decors’ on the phone - I lie and tell her it’s my interior designers calling and could she take a message as I’m busy attempting to break the World Record for submerging a Rich Tea Biscuit in piping hot Nescafe without it breaking (17.24 seconds)
1600 - Call Doris back, she informs me that my attempt at the Laminate Floor Sliding World Record has been disqualified as I have used a banned substance. I prefer to hear this from someone in Authority and request to speak to ‘the organ grinder, not the monkey’ I also ask her what substance is it that I am alleged to have used to which she curtly replies ‘Cat Shit Mr Hodges’. Before I can ask her about the Rich Tea dunking the phone goes dead. I’ll call her tomorrow.
1610 - Hometime, 10 minutes late leaving, that’s the bloody photocopiers fault
1625 - Home, feet up Sally Jessy Raphael on UK Living
1800 - Wife home, she informs me that Xzibit is ‘one bad motherf***er’ and proceeds to change the TV channels so that she can watch the ‘Pimp My Ride’ marathon on MTV
2000 - Friends back to back episodes on E4
2100 - Friends back to back episodes on E4+1
2200 - 3 sit-ups, 2 press-ups and a squat thrust
2202 - Put Rupert The Bear Y-Fronts on radiator so they’re warm for tomorrow
2203 - Bedtime