The Top Ten Crime Fighting Sidekicks
10. Eddie and Lou (The Simspons)…
Hello? Sorry, wrong number, this is 9 1 erm….2?
Chief Wiggum doesn’t solve the crimes, nor do Eddie and Lou so pray tell how does the Springfield Police Department operate? Complaints to…
Springfield Community Charge Offices
Springfield
USA
9. Starsky (Starsky and Hutch)…
Paul Michael Glaser was the sidekick despite the fact that the American Network gave David Starsky the prominent position in the opening credits, primary name in the programme title and let him drive the Ford Torino. Ken Hutchinson was the intellectual, cool, suave and sophisticated, streetwise Cop whilst Starsky bounded around with childlike fascination whenever the words Bear and Huggy were mentioned. If Hutch hadn’t had to baby-sit Starsky and his morbid fascination with the coroners office every bloody episode crime figures would’ve been down to nil.
8. Penfold (Danger Mouse)…
Terry Scott played the inept Hamster who would’ve made a balls up of a glass of water if DM had trusted him with the simple task. If you pay close attention and watch the episodes concurrently Penfold discovers that if he position’s himself to the left of DM the one eyed rodent can’t see what the bungling hamster is going to bugger up next – he wasn’t that stupid.
7. The Teen Angels (Captain Caveman)…
Taffy (so called ‘cos she had an affair with Tom Jones way before Bob Hoskins had a crack at Jessica Rabbit), Dee Dee and Brenda. Remember them? They were the one’s that usually got the hairy Neanderthal into trouble before coming up with a scheming plan which, assisted by our superhero would catch the dodgy janitor. Blonde Bimbo Taffy was the one who cajoled Captain Caveman into going along with the plan and often used a level of flirtatiousness that shouldn’t have been seen until well after the 9pm watershed.
6. Robin (Batman and Robin)…
The only question that needs answering is… What was Robin’s sexual orientation?
Batman was aroused by Cat Woman (even when Eartha Kitt played her) so there’s no questioning his masculinity however Robin seemed to overlook the lycra clad feline and grew more and more fascinated with Penguins every time Burgess Meredith appeared on screen. Thankfully the series was cancelled by ABC in 1968 and the episode where Robin takes on the Whipsnade Buffalo Bandit single-handedly was confined to Bruce Wayne’s cutting room floor.
5. Mary Beth Lacey (Cagney and Lacey)
Yet another debatable entry straight from the Harmony Hairspray (is she or isn’t she?) school of questionability. Christine Cagney was the troubled, (part time alcoholic), ambitious, driven, blond (fit), streetwise cop. Mary Beth had 2 kids (plus one on the way at the latter end of the series) and a further adolescent in her husband Harvey who worked ‘construction’ but was a permanent fixture in the couple’s kitchen where the topic of conversation always revolved around his crap job and their lack of money – this usually culminated in a row about Mary Beth undermining her husbands role as family breadwinner and him storming out to spend her money on beer and fags. Rumour has it that Marge Simpson was modelled on Mary Beth but after complaints made by Tyne Daly’s legal representatives they changed Marge’s hair to a blue beehive as prior to that she had looked the spitting image of her.
4. TC (Magnum)…
Rick spent all the time kipping in a Rickshaw and only helped his ‘Nam buddies when he wasn’t doing that or lunching at the King Kamehamahema Club whilst TC flew Thomas around despite him running up a tab that George Best would’ve been proud off. ‘Island Hoppers’ TC’s Hawaiian helicopter service was utilised by Magnum at least once an episode hence the enormity of the bill which probably escalated into the millions after the 8th series was aired.
3. Rocky (The Rockford Files)…
Beeeeep…’Hello, Jim? It’s Lorna from Cuddles Sauna. We’ve got a G-String with your name and number on that’s been handed into lost and found. Do you fancy picking it up or can I ebay it?’
Wise old sage Rocky was always there when James Garner needed a shoulder to cry on…
When the Pontiac’s carbs needed cleaning Jim went to Rocky.
If the Asbestos Authorities were condemning his mobile home Jim went to Rocky.
If he wanted to talk to Adrian about pet supplies Jim went to Rocky.
…you get the idea. Rocky was the first person to coin the phrase ‘life coach’ and would’ve made a fortune if, ironically he’d been able to stick around long enough to put his knowledge to good use.
2. Anonymous Fit Bird (Doctor Who)…
Doctor kidnaps a nobody who subsequently becomes his beck and call girl pandering to his every whim and never gets into trouble with the police – Harold Shipman take note.
1. Spot (Hong Kong Phooey)…
Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride. Spot tirelessly nabbed the bad guys while Penry was skimming the pages of his Hong Kong Book of Kung Fu in an effort to ascertain how to deliver the perfect move to disable the assailants who were incidentally taking the piss out of the closet bookworm whilst making good their escape. From the erroneous Hong Kong Roundhouse to the well wide of the mark Phooey Foot ‘n Sweep, with one eye on the spaghetti legged Phooey and one on the Criminals Spot did the job and took no credit for his actions even when the mindless mutt was receiving the adulation of Mary the Telephone operator or accepting a ticker tape parade for his latest deeds. His only solace was a paw over the eyes and a grumble to himself.